I better capitalize on my clear-headedness (relatively speaking) this morning and put something to paper before I get all delusional for the rest of the day (again).

Anyway. What’s new? I had a bottle of Stoli(chnaya (vodka)) in one single evening (750 mL) two nights ago. Blacked out. That was not the bad part. I am a very well-behaved blackout. I don’t like lash out or get angry or anything. I walk arouned for a bit kind of goofy and then usually just fall asleep / pass out.

The day after was nightmarish (but not critically so like some other nights–didn’t seem as life-threatening). These lapses in consciousness, kind of blips, a little longer than blips, like I would die for a fraction of a second and then come back to. Ongoing, for hours, majority of the day, and terribly afraid of passing away. Mom kept saying no, I would just pass out, but I didn’t trust her. Convinced myself it was mostly just a panick attack. Heart felt like it was beating… too strong? Is that possible? Something felt really wrong with my heart. Obviously a panick attack, amiright?

Kind of got better yesterday, but the same issue with the panick and the heart. Eh. Not too pleasant but survived.

Today’s better.

I need to work on my coursework to earn more credentials so I am more qualified for my dream career. Starting to question my professional decisions. Very avoidant of Indian recruiters and all recruiters in general, they are very unpleasant people to deal with for some reason. I don’t like their tone of voice. It doesn’t hurt anyone, though, so why not just do what works for me?

What else…

I spent like… a lot of money in the last month. May was… not reasonable? But it was mostly on things I needed. Sometimes during delusions, but still need-based. No frivolous purchases. Including some stock options. *rolls eyes*

If you think I’m wealthy… well, let’s just say that the family combined might have enough money for a downpayment on another house? but I’m also unemployed and so is my youngest brother, and the parents both work middle-lower class jobs. It’s kind of a miracle we’ve made it this far. My previous job didn’t pay that much, but I saved like a monkey. (Whatever that means). I’m still saving pretty strictly, but I loosened my belt for once because I figured I deserved some luvin’. Like, things I bought include, gardening supplies, a subwoofer for my sound system (made of wood! Didn’t even know those existed! =D ), like, nothing too expensive. Transferred some money to my IRA (assuming I am ever employed ever again). I do not touch my Fidelity stocks that my previous company gave me, and I am keeping an iron-fisted protection from myself against myself to myself for myself from my high-yield savings account. Does it sound like I micromanage my money? Haha. Well. It’s not all shits and giggles. Mo money mo problems, as the adage goes. But poverty is obviously not fun either. I know, everyone wants to be comfortable, but, I guess, we all have to look out for ourselves. Random acts of kindness, tho.

So, in terms of medication, I also, the fucking day before I binge drank, made some serious adjustments to my meds. I cannot for the life of me communicate with my psychiatrist. I decreased my risperdal by 1 mg and the escitalopram is now at a mere 5 mg. Kaiser finally hooked me up with a psychotherapist (thank God), so that’s good. He seems like a quality guy. Not small time chump change like the previous dude I had, somewhere in the boonies of downtown. Poor fellow. He wasn’t very good at his job, anyway. Just tryin’ to make it by. As with us all. So anyway, drinking + sudden med changes = very, very dangerous. But it was small dosage adjustments (no more than 1 mg at a time, and actually less (like 1/2 or 1/4, was previously tapering for a few days)), so, I guess that’s why I didn’t actually have cardiac arrest or anything.

The riots are interfering with my mother’s safety in transporting herself to work. She works at the hospital, a monitor tech (basically, from what I understand, like watching over 30 some people’s vitals all at the same time and calling in when shit hits the fan… it doesn’t always work… and I’m not sure why it’s not automated yet (isn’t it surprising that such a job exists? Kind of interesting)). She works in Oakland and it’s like, well, I guess rioting is rioting, so like, fuck hospitals? Kind of insane but what is anger if not insane. Anyway me and the two brothers advocated she take tomorrow (or is it tonight?) off to let it temper down just a bit. Like it will make a big difference, but at least it’s something. Anyway she just drives straight to her parking garage and security issued some recommendations on like which garage to use and probably some other stuff so anyway it’s not like she’s totally vulnerabe. She sure feels and acts like it, though. We’re white, by the way. If that matters. Russian-Ukrainian, to be precise. (It always kind of pisses me off that white people are lumped into one category when they could be from, like, basically anywhere in the world. But I guess the U.S. and African-Americans (and other minorities!) are currently like, sending and receiving apologies, respectively, for… decades, now, so, go go go, good for them(?) (assuming it works, at all?).

Hmm. Yeah. I needed to dump some stuff here for a while. Anyway! That’s more or less it. I love writing and I haven’t been doing too well (just know that whenever my posting devolves into “FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK ETC!!!” I am not doing too well) but eh, you get by and then the sun shines! And who doesn’t love light-is-good+darkness-is-bad bias? ; )