I should go to the kitchen to get noodles. Somehow, though, being aroun my mother–even when she’s asleep, even for a trace of a moment–leaves me with this profound despondency which infects my physiology and leaves me very… unappetized. So can the noodles.

I had a brief glimpse, a rememory, of what it’s like to simple enjoy being, not really to be in a zen state of bliss, but to be, more ore less simply put, not constantly restless. I was walking up the stairs to my room and I remembered what it was like. It felt like my body was “slower”. Not drunk, not depressed, just regular speed. My body was “moving” (not physically, not up the stairs, but through space and time, through my mind, through life) at regular speed. And then the moment ended and my restlessness and dysphoria returned.

I’ll try to get back to that state. The SSRI is no mui bueno for me. I’ll stay on 4 mg risperdal and 10 mg aripiprazole, cuz I guess for now I do have delusions and voices. Most unpleasant. Um, well.

I forgot to take my melatonin last night.

I’ve started drinking again. I only had 3/4 of a bottle of wine last night. It’s a nice brand.

Today I’ll try to get out of the house with family, possibly play cards with my brother, and hopefully go for a hike around a nearby natural space / park.