Desperately looking for something to do. Not sure what.
So many things I do not do out of fear. It prevents me from living my life. Hmm. Something to work on I guess…
I’ve been totally scarred by… I don’t even particularly remember what anymore. Indian recruiters, I guess, being nasty on the phone with me, that I don’t check my phone for calls or texts anymore. I’m just too afraid.
I need to stop being so suppressed and inhibited. Overcome. Just because I’ve had a few scarring times on here that have left harrowing memories doesn’t mean I should just suppress myself / censor my writing. What does that accomplish anyway? I was always doing the right thing writing down my thoughts; got to keep pushing the envelope. But, sometimes, and do believe this saying is paraphrased from Star Trek, you can do everything your best, perform perfectly, and still get totally demolished. That’s just how it goes. Life is cruel. Or rather, can be (cruel).
So I’ll try to open up a bit more and be looser here. There’s honestly nothing to be afraid of. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. With this resolution, however, does come a promise that I will be posting a lot more frequently. But you know, as with my happier times wherein now I regret not capitalizing on them more while they existed, I will later on regret having not written more now that I have the chance. So. Seize the moment, engage in the opportunity, never give up, sage advice from the elders do pause but stir and still hold your ear to the Earth. Something like that.
I love this sound system and the music is plays, but I hate being stuck in my room. It’s a tough situation.
It’s strange. What is strange. Something is strange.
God I hate. And I hate more.
I don’t know what to do.
This all makes me feel terrible.
Can’t just be honest anymore. I don’t know why. I have to hide all the time. The stigma is immense.
At least I think it is.
I’m not sure what’s really real, and what is projection.
It’s a sticky situation.
I’ve got to figure out where to run away to. Far far away.
I was thining of moving to either Slovakia, Czeck Republic, or Austria at some point in my life and living there for a few years. With my habit of saving, I probably won’t have a hard time doing that. I’d just have to find some way to stay occupied while there, assuming I’m still restless at that point in my life. I’m imagining like, mid-40s.
I think I’m done with work for the day. I’m all like, “Let’s do something fun!” and then I can’t think of anything fun to do. Does this mean I’m not a fun person?
Yeah that clonazepam really fucking worked today. Perfect ticket. More relaxed (still uptight, but not raving like a lunatic jumping out of my skin restless/anxious), can sit still comfortable (more or less), enjoying my MUSIC on my SOUND SYSTEM (God I love these speakers, this sub, this amp, the wiring job I did). Did I mention? I have no idea how I wired my sound system. Its so confusing. I just don’t know what I did! Hah! =D. Well anyway. It works and it sounds nice, so that’s all that matters. Except, I suppose, additionally, the amp sometimes overheats if too much voltage is run through it or it’s at too high a volume. So I can’t really listen on loud for too long. I wonder if I fucked up the wiring somehow. Hmm. I need to double check and study my own work.
Haven’t looked back into ALSA sound (Linux) drivers since that last time I was reading about them like last week. Early last week, I believe.
Man I do not like nasty Indian recruiters. They’ve such attitude adjustments required. Jesus.
Well anyway. That’s what’s going on! I hate to leave as I love writing and communicating on here, and perhaps I shouldn’t think I’m either so alone or so integrated, neither of those things, but that there is some middle ground where I exist and that I should just relax and enjoy it. Who knows.
I’m glad all my psychiatry stuff is cancelled. I hate my psychiatrist, I don’t like my therapist, I don’t like Oakland, I don’t like the department, I don’t like Kaiser Permanente, it’s just a fat fucking robbery. It’s a bad situation. If I need to go to the hospital for a broken bone I will, but otherwise, I don’t anticipate utilizing their services too much in the future. I’ll treat my psychiatrist like the pill dispenser he is, hopefully he refills my clonazepam as that one is super-good for me. In fact, it’s addicting, which means it will enforce that I stay on it! Which is good. But alas, potential for abuse. In my hands, my responsibility. Well anyway.
A recruiter contacted me about a bioinformatics analyst/engineer position with Thermo Fisher and I don’t really qualify but I sent my resume anyway. So we’ll see if I get an interview or not. Hmm hmm. Hmm hmm! n.n
Listening to this right now. I much enjoy it:
on Spotify, not The Youtubes.
Guess I’ll… try to think of something fun to do. I just feel, more focused and relaxed today. I don’t know why. Plus it’s already 3:30 and I haven’t had a single drink yet. Maybe today’s the day it all turns around? Who knows…
Took 1 mg clonazepam this morning (I have some from my prescription left, but would have to ask my psychiatrist for a refill next time I run out–kind of unpleasant but I don’t think I have to talk to him directly) to try to mellow out for the day. If it works I’ll probably continue at this dose. Nothing else does (seem to work, that is). It’s so demoralizing.
Hmm. Didn’t know it was specifically for akathisia. This is mega-good news for me. I should keep using it.