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Exhausted. Three bottles and a few beers last night. Ditched both job interviews today. I decided to live my life my way, instead of enslave it to the capitalist machine. I’m going to develop computer games, learn computer languages, write software, write poetry, all on my own time. Sleep in when I want to, work my ass off at all other times. I’m so tired. I’ve only ever had one real job and that was just not for me. I have a brain disease. I don’t think I’m fit for employment. Maybe once I develop my skills a bit more. But it’s a bit sketch to apply for work with experience that’s, what, ten years old now? Is that how long ago grad school was? Holy hell. What am I doing with my life.

I finally switched my psychiatrist. This psychological war going on inside with my ex-psychiatrist, that was going on, that is no longer going on, absolutely wrecked me. I need help. Desperately. And not being able to access it because of communication issues is beyond low.

I’m fat. I need to lose weigh. Personal standards. I have body dysphoria associated with it, too. Being in shape has always been second nature to me, as an athlete/competitive tennis player the majority of my life. Well, since that has ended, things have gone majorly down hill.

To stop drinking, I have two strategies: substitute the activity of drinking with other pleasant, healthy activities (learning to code, Magic, e.g.); and, substitute alcoholic beverages with non-alcoholic beverages. I just like the flavor of the alcohol more or less, I don’t give a shit about the drunk. It used to be pleasant but now it just turns me into a monster. There are plenty of tasty liquids out there; tomato juice, coconut water, other fruit and vegetable juices, lite sodas, WATER (sometimes, not a big fan of water), tea tea tea. So yeah. Anyway.

Annnd that’s about it! Recipe for getting my life back together. Will let you know how it pans out.

As a side note, sorry if I freaked anyone out this past lifetime. I used not to be this way and it’s a mega blow to my self-esteem, to see myself raving like a violent lunatic on here. I’ve definitely said some borderline rude things to some folks, but, I mean, I have my justifications. Not everyone’s gonna get along all the time. On that note, however, I will strive to be more selective about who I follow on here. There were people on my Reader who I just could not give a shit about, more or less (no grief to them, just, not very interesting people imo). So yeah. And when I do find someone I like (not in a romantic sense, just in a human connection sense) it is a mega powerful and emotive feeling that sustains me. So. I just have to be patient, keep looking, and I’ll make friends eventually.

Sweet and short. Sweet and short. Hmm. I wonder what I’ll do after this. Supposed to be learning Django but kind of exhausted and scared. Oh yeah! Have I told you guys how fucking HORRIFIED of everyone and everything I’ve been this past, I don’t know, several months? Years? I don’t even remember now. I can’t check my texts, I can’t check my voicemail, e-mail is a challenge, all cuz I’m horrified of even seeing what people are going to say to me. I don’t know. It’s not rational, of course. But like, I’m super sensitive. I’m a bitch, but I’m a sensitive bitch. Ouch I think I may have cut myself shaving. Anyway so, with the pressure of having to join the gears of capitalism relieved, I’m sure things will fall into place. Unity is super-broken and our game files are corrupt so we have to redo a lot, but I think that’s okay. I told my mom I was tired and would work on it tomorrow, which I will, and she, of course, understands. But she’s not angry it’s broken, I mean, she was, kind of, that the Unity software itself didn’t seem to want to start. I just had to find the right version for our project (which I did) and now it opens, but now all the files are corrupt. Except the scripts. Those are save, thank God, because they’re simple text files, so what could go wrong there. The images we use as art in the game have some bits fucked or something hashed incorrectly or something like that, so they don’t open or display. So we have to re-scan some stuff but I think the scanner doesn’t interface with my Linux (again). It does, on and off, for about a few days, then not for about a few weeks. Of course, there’s people working on it, and I’m on the mail list for that project (X-Sane I believe it’s called? Sane and X-Sane, scanner drivers for Linux). Well. So I’ll tinker around with that and see if I can get it working. I mega screwed around with my OS and it was a big no-no, but I learned a lot (barf, what a gross and redundant trite thing to parrot) but I guess I did.

It’s so, so, so nice not to be filled with rage at the people who love me for once. Wow. Sad times. Not to mention the shit in the country and world at large. Oh btw global warming is still raping the planet, so, just, fyi in case police oppression, racial injustice, deadly pandemics, and economic recessions weren’t enough. n.n~

So enjoy. Enjoy it while it lasts and I’ll check up on you next time.

And again, apologies for the verbal abuse. I don’t hate you. I swear.

Good-byes are always hard. No one’s dying.

But seriously, what am I doing after this? I don’t know I don’t know. Hmm. Well. I guess that’s it for now.