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blogging

Well anyway, I can’t wait for Eve Echoes to come out in August.

Also, I’ve got to shower.

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blogging

Yeah I’m just, looking at this Django stuff, and it’s really hard to study. It’s so esoteric. I thought I was good at programming but I guess I’ve got a long way to go.

So.

Right.

And.

Yes.

To be honest it was rather, well, actually, it was rather awkward in one sense, with the brother, hanging out while he smashed together a new deck to try out and I just kind of sat there waiting, but also quite comfortable and comforting. I haven’t hanged out, oficially, really, with anyone, in a comfortable setting in a loooong time. I spend a lot of time with my mother, sort of, maybe, in bits and pieces, but she’s always so concerned about everything. It’s hard to be comfortable around her. No offense to her, but that’s just how she is. She’s such an exploited woman. Her husband (my father) psychologically and verbally abuses her, and I’m like, powerless to stop it for some reason, because he’s had me under his thumb when I was a child as well, and that has left its scars. I don’t try to confront him, but I do try to support her. I’m not good at consoling people, but I can be there. Whatever that means. And even that, sometimes I fail at. Being a good person is so hard.

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blogging

Played some Magic with the brother. Making progress, learned a little today, on/about Django through their tutorial. Listening to some mellow fantasy game music right now. Mom goes to work in fifteen minutes. I wanted a mellow fun casual blue deck to play with for one more game with the brother but I don’t have one so we just stopped. We played three games, I won 2/3, and it was nice, but after we finished and I was in my room alone I decided Magic was no longer fun. It is still fun. It’s just not fun now.

Different emotions than what I’ve ever been used to. So much peace in my life. So much chaos in my life. I’ve always been such an innocent and quiet person. I’m not used to anger. It’s so foreign. It doesn’t belong here.

But it’s nice to have concretely decided I will not accept employment that puts my psychological or physical health at risk. At all.

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blogging

I really don’t want to do this Django stuff anymore today. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

So! On to some Magic.

How do you procrastinate?

(Might write some poetry, to boot.)

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blogging

I’ve been so fucked in the head for so long. I think things are finally starting to calm down.

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blogging

Damnit, I corrupted a 16 GB SD card by interrupted the format process. There were no notifications! I thought it was done! But when I took it out the computer yelled at me and now it won’t even read it anymore.

I’ll ask my brother to try formatting it for me (he has Windows; maybe it will work there) so we can use it in one of our cameras.  Probably the ViviCam. As is there’s just a 1 GB in it for approx 300 shots on medium file size high quality image. Which is good, for now, but if I want to get out more and continue with this healthy hobby I’ll have to get this larger one to work. Plus, like, the range anxiety, of cameras, amiright?

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blogging

I’m going to try to quit vaping. It’s really bad for my health, mood, psychology, social relationships, everything. You wouldn’t think so, the way it’s marketed, and how some I don’t know what to call them, not like a youtube star, person is too generic and insulting, but like someone on a TTRPG stream on Twitch.com takes a puff of their vape every few minutes and it looks so cool. That’s not why I do it, I just thought it helped with my anxiety, but I’m starting to realize that it just makes it worse. It is, in essence, me clinging to my cigarette-smoking days. I’ve got to let go, completely, once and for all. Granted, it doesn’t have to be sudden. I mean, quitting vaping does have to be an all-or-none decision, but there’s like, nicotine patches and lozenges (prefer lozenges to gum for some reason) that can help with cravings. Shoving vaporized propylene glycol and who-knows-what-sort-of-flavorant-chemicals into my lungs like, ten times a minute, literally breathing as much vape as I do oxygen, is horrifying at best. It’s just not healthy. I’m starting to realize that. Going to the park without it helped me realize. I’ll probably move on to non-nicotine mints after the lozenges, and of course I have a few different strengths of patches for when cravings are worse or better some days vs others. And of course, balancing it with my mood and cognitive performance for the day. Drugs are an art form! And I know, I just know, so many people will resent me for saying that. But I do believe they have their place and can be used safely. Society just hasn’t quite figured out how yet. I believe we’ll get there. Who knows! Maybe everyone will have such a fulfilling life they won’t need to trip on shrooms for kicks or personal growth. Hah. Or maybe it will just be another thing. I don’t really know; I can’t predict the future.

So anyway, thanks for sticking with me through my bad habits. [Always feel like habits should be spelled with two B’s. Annoying.]

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blogging

Martinez Marina

Went to the Marina in Martinez. It was very peaceful and a good opportunity to confront my social anxiety disorder as there were not too many people so it was kindle of gentle and non-overwhelming. Here are some pics from the outing (only about an hour long or so, nearby to where I live):

I didn’t take any photos of people b/c I’m not experienced enough socially or with my photo-social sense as to when it is acceptable / who is chill with that. It will develop as I practice photography more, though.

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blogging

Yeah. I did some weight-lifting (v. mild stuff, just a few minutes) and hopefully doing that each day plus playing tennis and hiking on the weekend will get rid of some of my belly fat.

I really feel like I can’t do it. I’m scare of people hurting me but simultaneously I am a social bee, I love talking to folks and exchanging positive energy (pardon the superstitious terminology, but really, that’s all it is–terminology), so there’s this massive confict in my life about what I’m striving for. I’m stuck on the Django tutorial. All I have to do is initialize the website with a single-line command for the practice tutorial website website practice tutorial practice practice nuts practice website and but I can’t seem to do it. Things like this happen a lot; I’ll reach a devilishly simple step in a project and just get the fattest mental block and simply not be able to execute. It’s absolutely idiotic. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

And when I feel alone, it’s not what is typical loneliness. Most people, as far as the media goes and the impression I get, when they’re lonely they get sad/depressed/demotivated. Me, on the other hand, I get anxious, restless, searching for things, seeking excitement and activity, even if it leads to risky behavior. Kind of the opposite? Two poles; both unhealthy. Well anyway I’m just glad I have a new psychiatrist in Walnut Creek, and an appointment already! (this Friday morning). I wish I could be more open on here but I’m paranoid about safety. Ah well. I’m sure someday I will feel safe at all about anything whatsoever.

Console cable for programming my room’s Cisco router arrives probably some time next week. It would be sweet to get my server up and running, and move on to the coding aspect of things. Hardware problems hardware problems hardware problems. What I’m learning about computers is mostly that they just more often than not don’t work. That you can just go to the store and buy something with Windows on it and it works out of the box (there’s always problems, though, so, hah) is a miracle. Trying to set up your own system is insanity. And even then, viruses and maintenance and the PC probably dies within like 5 years, if not sooner. Who knows. I knew a guy who replaced his PC every 1-2 years, to stay up to date on the technology. Seems a bit wasteful to me, but I guess it’s just a different lifestyle with different (financial) priorities.

So I write on here because I’m lonely and lost and stuck and just wracked, totally fucking wracked. Well. I don’t know.

I guess that’s it.

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blogging

Woke up this morning feeling pretty good, but then it soon went downhill. I am making steady progress on the Django tutorial, I guess, kind of slow imo, and I have plenty of work to do for the game, but it just feels like, it feels like there’s too much, and I’ll never make it, because I’m stupid/slow/unfocused. I’m stupid/slow/unfocused. So anyhow.

Quick chat with mum in the garden. I with my vape stick, she with the cat on her lap. Tasks to be achieved, hashing out the day for us/me. She of course will cook, sleep, watch TV, sleep some more, and then go to work. She has this weekend off but works until then. As a reminder: She is a tech during the graveyard shift at a hospital. O_O. Nothing spookier or more macabre than that! (except possibly a mortician or gravedigger itself).

Well anyway it feels like writing is helping. I just hate how people put all this pressure on me, and it just ruins everything, and they expect things to get done because well Duh everyone loves being pressured into doing things and doesn’t being a nervous wreck just make for awesomely productive project management? </sarcasm>

Web design would be smashing. I just want to do something that’s kinda techie, but kinda artsy. There’s art in everything, really, if you look at it the right way. So whatever, maybe I have no idea what I’m talking about. Dad’s making us an omelette. I’m behind on my foreign language studies.

But what does my heart say? Mostly just swear words and doom and gloom. It’s not yet 10 and I’m already reaching despondency. If only I knew how to have fun! Yeah. It’s a shame. It’s a damn shame. But you know, I don’t think it will be that bad? I really don’t. There’s still hope that this is all just a phase, and that things will smooth out eventually.

As for me, I just can’t wait for the day we start selling games/software/webpages(? do people do that? or is it more like, contracting?) or else I just get to work from home at something I am GOOD AT so that I’m not a NERVOUS WRECK and it’s just cruising. That day is not near but it does exist. I just have to will it. Or some zen shit like that.

Thanks for stopping by. Um. Best of luck with your goals and whatnot for the day! n.n~