It feels like the world is falling apart. I don’t know what to do. Not even from global issues, just from my personal view of things going on around me. Not even with anything beyond the neighborhood, not even on the other side of town. Just me, my disease/condition, my family, and sometimes the neighbors. And associations/institutions at large. I interact with those, too. It’s fucked. Oh God, you have no idea.
Institutions (to name a very few, of the very many): Kaiser health insurance, (JP Morgan) Chase bank, Employee Development Department (of California), Covered California (health insurance market), Amazon.com, etc. etc.
It seems like the big dudes want us all dead. I don’t have a clue. I’m just now piecing this together. The neighbors are at the family’s throat. I built the core of a computational server yesterday. I need to learn P.H.P. to interact with it better but it seems okay for now. Or otherwise, possibly, entirely false and fake. It seems to work from my angle. There’s just gaping flaws with it. I’ll have to start dissecting things like I used to.
I don’t know. I had that feeling that I was dying again last night. Before bed. I felt like I was dying. It’s hard to explain. It’s just, you sort of sense death approaching. Definitely makes me panic, eh. Well. I don’t know. So far the doctors think it’s a form of anxiety disorder, but I don’t know. It might have some substance to it. I just don’t know what it is yet. Maybe.
It’s really hard on the family. I can tell. All of this. Two brothers with mental illnesses, unemployed, and (I’ll get to this in a minute) a pet cat that’s eating itself alive. That might be the entertaining part, I don’t know. Of course no one wants it to happen but it’s kind of funny I guess. Obviously we would all flip our shit if she died. The cat. Mom has hypertension, dad is diagnosed(?) with so many so many issues–I don’t know which specifically. He’s very hush hush about it. It’s hard on him. Which means it’s hard on mom. Which means it’s hard on me and the brother and the baby brother. Notice how I refer to everyone. It’s odd, isn’t it? I’m so angry at baby brother for screaming in my delusions all the time. He’s too old for this. I don’t quite get it. I don’t know why he does this. Keeps saying Fuck you Fuck you over and over again.
So anyway, I don’t know. It feels like the world is falling apart. Like I said we’re all worried about the pet cat. My thoughts are she may have a mental illness as well. Or possibly some coat infection, or tooth infection–it’s hard to diagnose. I opt that we take her to the vet, but no one else seems to want to for whatever reason. I don’t get it. We could solve her problems very quickly, at the least. Mostly middle brother and mother take care of the cat so I’m only loosely involved. But it would so come down on me if something happened to her. What the fuck. It’s so unfair. I’m kind of angry at them.
That’s about it. Life is horrifying, apprehensive, and frightening. I’m not sure. I’m not sure. It always seems like people are talking to me when they’re not, and it condo-fucks with my brain. It’s hard. It’s very very difficult. I’m not sure.
So I give up for now. I haven’t even talked about the unemployment, have you noticed? There’s so much going on. Well. I haven’t given much in return so I don’t expect any shits my way, either, so I guess that’s that for now.
SAD, hope to hear from you soon, and everyone else who follows, thanks for that–if you even exist (you don’t have to tell me that you do, I don’t mind, just a legal disclaimer I have to put out). Thanks thanks that’s it for now. Jesus fucking Christ. Man. Mangoes. -_-