I mean, I have complained about hating sitting in front of the computer all day. Everyone knows I hate it, that I need to move. I’m restless I’m restless. Remember?

So it’s not really my fault that no exercise has fallen into my lap.

We live in a neighborhood with some sidewalks I could jog, but I think even that is too intense and not fun enough for me. Jogging isn’t exercise; it’s punishment.

So what to do? I think once covid is over and people are vaccinated, once the quarantine is lifted, I will play tennis with someone, and look for a pickup soccer group. Beginner level, because my stamina is terrible, and even my coordination is probably a little off. I’m actually traditionally quite an athletic person, with tennis my whole life (first tournament when I was 5–thank dad for overdoing it). Picked up a racket around 2-3, walked on the tennis court when young. Just sort of grew up around it thanks to dad. He was very passionate and wanted me to go pro but he wasn’t, in actuality, a very good coach and my head wasn’t in the game at the time, so I didn’t make it. I just wasn’t mature enough to value the sport at the time. I took it for granted.

I don’t know what to do. Life feels like a trap. It used to be that if I didn’t exercise often enough, I would start to feel miserable and unproductive. Well, that has taken to a whole new level. With years of lack of activity, I’ve actually developed a mental illness because of it. That in combination with the marijuana at the time. You could argue that it wasn’t just drugs, but drugs and a lack of exercise, that made me sick. Sick as in mentally ill. I use the word “sick” for very serious things and light things alike.

Brother exercises in his room. He knows the importance. He does like leg lifts and bicycles for a good half an hour a day (!). Way beyond my capacity. I can hardly stand sitting on a bike for ten minutes. Maybe if it was through the Italian/British countryside, I wouldn’t mind. But stationary, indoors, with nothing moving, just kills me.

I have all the time in the world and nothing to spend it on.

I’m trying to think of ways to rephrase this problem. No one seems to offer any advice. Well that’s not strictly speaking true, some of you in particular have been kind to me. My friend Nick is kind to me, though he may not communicate as often as he would like due to bipolar and ADHD. TWO diseases, not just one. That’s massive.

And in any case, in the future all these brain diseases will be diagnosed noninvasively as dysregulation of this cortex or that brain region. It will be much finer once the technology comes along and diagnostics are more common. As of now this whole outside-in approach of ask questions, behavioral diagnostics is really really crude. Has anyone else noticed that?

Writing. I always have writing. Nothing substitutes for exercise. But writing is a crutch that I value.

I should look for work. I want to talk to mother. She just got out of the shower and needs to change. I’ll go talk to her about what I should do today. She’ll tell me to work on the computer game. Ugh. She is a broken record sometimes. So insipid.

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