I don’t want to be employed. I want to be good at what I do and like it. I don’t really care what it is. I could exclude by process of elimination, itemized.

I want to roll on MDMA without the health hazards and addiction. I can’t because I’m on psych meds and have schizoaffective disorder. It’s also illegal. If they legalize it, I recover, and get off my meds, for sure, once a year like clockwork, I will roll. That’s a lot of contingencies though. Better not get my hopes up.

I don’t remember either time, but according to fact (self-recorded) the two happiest moments of my young adulthood have been: holding hands with my now-ex then-girlfriend in a movie theater; and rolling for the first and second times at Coachella and EDC respectively. Wow. It’s a strong drug. I don’t see why happiness is illegal. That’s basically what it is, though. They’re making happiness on demand, in pill form, illegal. And not just mild amusement. Like, bliss. You feel so connected to everyone and everything. Compassion for humankind. I was blown away. I didn’t know drugs could make you feel love.

But that’s a ways away. Like I said, contingencies. I don’t intend to do any illegal drugs, or anything that would risk my health.

What else do I want from life? Aside from these intense pleasures, nothing but slow steady progress and to grow old with my loved ones; my brothers and (for as long as she’s alive) my mother. Dad can fuck himself. Yes, he has been that abusive with us. This stuff is real, folks.

I think that’s all, though. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? Oh, and I want to learn to have the patience to read on-end again. I want to be a voracious reader. I love it, but my restlessness and lack of focus precludes it. So there’s that. That could be intermediate-term, recovery with some progress slowly. I love books. I love imaginary worlds. I say this a lot, just not lately.

I want to get better at piano, pick it up again.

I want to play at least one professional tennis tournament in my life. That will take some practice, maybe a few years solid.

I don’t particularly have my eye on flying airplanes or helicopters.

Simple joys. Simple life. The good stuff.

One thought on “

  1. I have never taken MDMA….but wouldn’t you rather feel that intense love naturally without the use of drugs ? It is possible. I think what you wrote here is fantastic. You know what you want . You know what is important to you. You can do it. One thing at a time. Breathe in… Breathe out….


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