Writing is stupid. I don’t want to write.

Wake up with no appetite, not even when I see the food, which doesn’t bother me. It bothers brother, as he gave me just now a soylent shake for vitamins, minerals, and calories. Banana flavor. He’s looking out for me, in small ways. Or big ways, you could put it.

I had coffee right after waking up, two half cups and threw up dry heaves mostly nice morning. Good start to the day, such misery. This is more the norm than not.

Alka seltzer, the soylent I mentioned, put on my nicotine patch, want to suck on a lozenge but bad for stomach so holding off.

And I just didn’t sleep well this morning at all. Like, restless leg syndrome or something, intense discomfort in my ankles and legs, horizontal position, can’t relax or enjoy the comfort of bed.

My “bed bugs” is probably a kidney thing I’ve figured out, most likely, without the help of the doctor, because of excess kratom consumption. I lied on the ground in my room for an hour and it went away, got back in bed, fell asleep, didn’t sleep well.

I don’t know what to do. With my life? It’s hard. There’re no options. Everything is hard work and I feel like an old man. Why don’t I have the right to retire? Why didn’t they put me on permanent disability? What hope?

I’d get up and pace around the house but that is useless. Writing here is useless. I should study on Coursera if I want to be useful. I do. It’s just so hard to sit still. I don’t know. No one is ever going to help me, are they…

So I’m useless for now. Going for a walk with fam minus dad around the park at 3. Eh. It’s something.

Feeling groggy still. Groggy and unhappy. Need my morning kratom but digestive issues. As ever. What a failure I’ve turned into.

4 thoughts on “

    1. Maybe once? I don’t remember. I don’t think so but we gave each other massages to relax at the beginning of class in an acting class I took in college. It’s amazing, so I know what you’re talking about. I should look into it. But covid…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I used to get massages pretty regularly . I grew in in a family that loved massage and we massaged each other … my mom & sisters…when my kids were young I treated them to massages…. then i always gave gift certificates for their birthday or whatever… I think it’s wonderful and healing…

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