My graduate school advisor / PI was such a pessimistic nihilist. I don’t know why I chose his lab. I did NOT succeed there. Bad environment.

But I think I’m also just finding faults with him and his lab because retrospectively I had such a bad time there. That’s where I got my mental illness! The doctors think it’s because of the kratom, but undoubtedly, and the professionals, the real ones, probably agree that it’s really a mix of factors.

Another note:

I’ve been plagued with oddly ingratiating and politically correct behavior lately. Me, I do it. I don’t like it, but it’s surprisingly hard to change. I think it’s rooted in fear that others will be angry with me, because my dad was always angry when I was younger and I grew up learning that people are always angry therefore. But it is also, correlation-wise, a little bit that I don’t trust people with ME. Which is selfish, but also keeps me safe? I THINK it keeps me safe. But really it doesn’t. Probably the opposite, trusting people–with discretion–is safer. Good to have allies.

[I use caps instead of italics because it’s easier to write. I don’t like accusing myself of being lazy just because it’s an easy copout either.]

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