I really don’t want to do this phone screen. My plate is full with my sickness. I’m worried it’s going to be that way too come time for hire. I don’t know what I will do. I just want to complain all day on my blog and wait for the doctors to fucking figure it out, until I’m healthy, because I’m too lazy and stupid to do it myself. How do you heal yourself, by the way? Exercise and meditation? Ugh, I don’t have the focus for meditation. I can hardly afford a walk or two a day. I should probably do that now but I’m not feeling it. Why can’t you just do things when you feel like it, and not do things when you don’t feel like it. Why all this coercion, capitalism? My new enemy, the dollar I need to feed. It’s not fair. Even if I’m paid well, it will still be wage slave labor.

Sigh. I don’t like this system. There’s so much wrong with it. Never mind the isolation. The isolation it causes is atrocious. It’s so hard to get what you need.

Or maybe it’s just me and people with conditions like me. I don’t know.

If there’s one thing my brain likes me to do, it’s get stuck. I quit smoking, I’m a hero I quit the most addicting substance. Not the most dangerous, but the most addicting, and it causes heart disease and lung cancer (after something years with a probability distribution). So, that was nice. But it wasn’t a complete quit, I moved on to vaping. Oy. Terrible. Possibility of heavy metal poisoning, and all that liquid in the lungs… So then I moved on the nicotine replacement therapy, I grudgingly but successfully quit that! And now I’m stuck on the nicotine replacement therapy and I wonder when my next big break will be? When will I really, finally be off of this? I have four and a half more weeks of this strength of nicotine patch. I could renew it if I get stuck, but they’ll probably want me to attend some sort of therapy. Knowing the doctor and how much hassle they like to put on the patient. Or maybe not, maybe it’s my lucky break and they just renew the patches. I don’t know. But my therapist would probably get involved, unsuccessfully, as therapy I find is largely unsuccessful (except for getting me started on a routine–although that, too is breaking down with the insomnia and waking up in the middle of the day) to try to help me. So many try to help me. I feel so little heart from everyone. My world view is so jaded, and it’s completely not my fault. It’s all from experience. But my rear view mirror history channel has traditionally been a little negatively skewn. So I should always factor that in, but that’s a hassle, and then, it’s just one thing after the next and what am I to do at the end of the day but sleep? But I don’t even do that, I stay up until 4 am complaining on my blog about my psychotic breaks, and it never stops…

I do get breaks. But there aren’t enough. Peace should be the norm, not the exception. Digestive issues alone would be a hassle, probably more to some.

I’m getting tired of complaining. I think I’m done for now.

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