I had a mini-epiphany during my walk that I just came back from: I am more alone than I thought, and alone most of the time.
This is really good news! I love autonomy/individuality/solitude.
But the bad news is the episode is really bad right now.
Maybe that’s what it takes, though. Sad. Unfortunate double-sided coin. What chance misfortune.
So the point is, I have to take care of myself. I like that. I’m good at taking care of people when they’re my responsibility and for the longest time I did’t have the impression I was my own responsbility, because they voices were always there watching over me (and ruining my life).
Writing is a still good source.
Detrimental cognitive component of whatever substance abuses I have had or have noted. Note to self note to self note to self.
Getting hard to remember / short term memory failing.
The voices are abusive, they sexually harass me.
Had a Klonopin (useless point, but might be useful later during study).
Self-study: Also a good possibility… or whatever that word is…
Learned on my walk that hope is bum fucking meaningless too, hope away, for whatever you want, nothing’s gonna happen. Actions. In the real world. I couldn’t tell the boundary between reality and my delusions + hallucinations.
It’s very blurry right now, too. Which is dangerous, but I won’t drive or operate heavy machinery so… I should be okay?
I’m not sure. It seems hella dangerous. I’m not sure. To reiterate: I’m not sure.
Also: Humor is never going to save my life from a brain disease. I have a wicked sense of humor that seldom leaves my skull. Seems/feels wasted. Unfortunate again.
That’s all for now. Will be back soon. Voices closing in on me, pressing.
After all that good news, too. Wtf.