So I’m awake. So now what? So I had my appointment with my psychiatrist. So now what? I decrease this medicine, increase this medicine. And wait? I’m a sentient being. What am I to do during the wait? I can’t just go vegetative on demand.

Whoa. My brain just montaged a whole novel/movie scene-by-scene for me. A young romance. Playing sports together, tussling, kissing, going home, talking, screwing, waking up, getting married, the dark horizon… death, death, death, neither is spared… a tiny green spring bloom in the soil in the foreground with the sunrise or sunset in the background.

Basically that was it. It was inspired by romance I had (minus the screwin’ part) with my then-girlfriend. I think it would be only more perfect in this story. But why, ah, compare apples to oranges? Sorry, my bad.

The kratom can cause psychosis when used chronically at high doses. How in blazes do I get off it.

I guess I should contact rehab. Hmm. I’m just tired, tho. I want some pleasant nothing in my life. My ex, I sent her that appropriate email recently, she responded (sooner than I wouldve thought, though more minimally) and said she is working as a Postdoc, does scientific illustration for fun. I got that wrong. Good for her, regardless. I wonder what branch of science. It was somewhat of a terse email, don’t be rude sweetie. Haha ah well, what am I to do, I ‘m discouraged from responding, it’s obviously the style of email that’s like, “I’ll respond once but you better not carry on this conversation, bub”. Yeah. Death threats and everything.

She’s a great girl. Tom boy, to be frank. Lovely, lovely person.

The most heart-crushing and simultaneously most creepy song I know (both, I know, right!?) came into my mind just now with a few piano key strokes coming out of thin air. A child and a teacher or mother teaching it, very goooood!!! goes the mother/teacher, and the child sings the ABCs, except everything is distorted and broken up. It’s so creepy and makes me cry at the same time. So weird. Weird mix of emotions. I’ll try to find it at some point.

Sent my psychiatrist a message about how weak the klonopin is and how I’m almost out of it for the month regardless. Oh how desperation makes one cling to weak things.

Getting talk show vibes.

So I have a friend in my ex! Yay! She’s talking to me, at least. That makes me happy. Exceedingly happy. I have thing to respond a–don’t you dare!–bout. Plenty of things. Yayayayay. *she puts her head in her hands and sighs*

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