Not being able to put words or a single word to this emotion is nagging on me. I don’t know what is the right way to describe my state. I told mom I felt, “In between everything”. Later I labeled it for myself as… what was it… unease? Uneasiness? Uncertainty. That one. I’m in between states. The good times are coming, but I’m not there yet, so it’s like looking back in horror at what I’ve lived through (Jesus fucking Christ), and looking forward to what I will yet live through. And it’s a bit of impatience at it not being here, at it not having come sooner. Why has it taken this long for my psychiatrists for figure out what I need? They have been so inept. Psychiatry has a long way to go.
I feel like I say the same things over and over again. My word and phrase selection, my grammar, has no diversity. I’m a boring person. I’m just a boring person. The meter and tempo of my sentences is always the same. No one reads me for this reason. I don’t know what it takes to make friends online. I just don’t know where to find my kindred souls. I don’t know how to do it.
I have a week and two weekends to prepare for work. I’m increasing the Depakote again, not tomorrow morning, but day after tomorrow morning. We’ll probably check my titers again.
Life happens. That’s one way of describing what I’m going through. It’s not good, it’s not bad. It’s flat. Life just happens, and that’s just it.