Ideally I would just do morning aerobics and feel great for the rest of the day, or the majority of the day. I don’t know. I’m really obstinate, according to what family say. I don’t feel like an obstinate person. It’s just hard to push myself to do things I don’t want to do. I think that is natural and fair. People have different inclinations and tendencies, everyone is different, there is variety in the population, and don’t hate yourself for it. I mean go ahead, I’m giving you permission, if it helps with venting, lol, and you’re all suppressed, but don’t turn it into a bad habit or character trait.

I paced back and forth for a good fifteen minutes in the living room as brother prepared his coffee and mother talked to us. Father is out. Even that got my sweat up. We’ll be going to our local regional park for a longer (45 minutes) walk, uphill somewhat and then back downhill. It’s not super hard but it’s challenging, especially if you’re out of shape like me. I don’t look forward to it because I’m dead inside and even the magic of the forest can’t resuscitate me. I’m hopeless.

No email this morning. Afternoon, rather. I need to remember that I wake up in the afternoon. Work will change that. I wonder what waking up in the morning will be like. I hope I don’t oversleep. That would be a terrible thing to explain and would just traumatize me. I am such a sensitive person. Why can’t I be more robust.

Didn’t end up watching LCS last night. The alien who telepathically contacted me is long gone, because the kratom that induced the trip has worn off. Cue repeating the vicious cycle today. I haven’t sprung out of bed and had any first thing in the morning, though. I think that is a good sign. I should take my meds. I’m waiting for my stomach to calm down even more. I don’t know if it will, there’s no guarantee. Minor dejavu. What else was I going to say. I forget.

It’s not fun being tired first thing in the morning. Restless leg syndrome doesn’t feel too good, either. That tingling/itching feeling on the inside of your legs out. No way to scratch the itch. Biting, pain, almost-pain. Discomfort is the best word, but discomfort is so general. What kind of discomfort? I’ve described that already.

I slouch like a madman at the computer. I don’t see myself stopping any time soon. I can reduce it somewhat. Breakfast is over, brother has retreated to his room, mother is cleaning dishes or something. We don’t really help with the chores, but we serve our purposes. I guess I’m somewhat useless. But I have a job now. Maybe we can buy a new house on my income, once my routine stabilizes. Then there’s the concern of getting renewed in six months but that’s too far off for me to be worried about it yet. The immediate stuff usually blinds me.

This nicotine lozenge is really bad for me. I had a nootropic soylent (140 kcal) and a regular soylent (400 kcal), so that’s breakfast and enough to fill up the stomach. I threw up a lot yesterday. I don’t particularly like being on the internet or at the computer unless I’m really working on something, like computer programming exercises or poetry or game design and things are going well. Minor stumbling blocks are acceptable.

I have to go to the bathroom. I’ll leave it at that.

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