It takes me 3 teaspoons/cups of kratom/ktea/k in the morning (it’s still morning to me…) to feel normal / sufficiently happy to function. My neurotransmitters are fucked without it. There is something I can do, I can continue to taper, but it’s going to be a long and arduous process. A year. Years. I don’t know. It will improve slowly, unnoticeably. I should appreciate every step. Yesterday was lesser use to do an improved mood from the Depakote. But I’m getting off track. I forgot what I was going to say. As is usually the case.

I had 2 so far, so I’m a little okay. My stomach is faring well enough. The kratom doesn’t hurt too bad, it can kind of make me nauseous at random times through the day. I took nausea medication this morning because I didn’t want to puke up my psych meds.

What are you all doing for the weekend?

We’ll (mom brother and I) be going to a regional park at 3 or 3:30 today for a 45 minute walk. It’s only a ten minute drive, thank God. California really has a great park system and if you live here, need some nature in your life, or need some healthy pleasant exercise that you wouldn’t mind, consider the walks/hikes. The trails are of different challenge level so there’s something for everyone, even the seasoned veterans (or so I would imagine). Mt. Shasta. lol. Anyway. That is far and above my capability for years to come. No one on drugs could climb Mt. Shasta. You have to be so healthy to do something like that. Probably not olympic athlete healthy, but pretty damn healthy. It’s cold on Mt. Shasta, right? It’s in California? I am mixing up my facts now and have no idea what I am talking about. God I slouch so bad, but it’s soooo comfortable. My abs are giving out on me. I need to work them. So many I-need’s I-should’s, life is just a laundry list of things I have to do. …

Had to go outside to help mom move some stuff. A table with an aquarium on it. That was heavy! And the aquarium was on my side! No fair! Well, I’m younger and stronger. She’s oldish and frailish. I guess it was only fair. I shouldn’t be complaining. I ought to be in the best shape of my life. 32 and single. I have no excuse not to work out 2 hours a day! Ugh I hate this. Why do I keep blaming myself. Drugs have absolutely ruined my life. Nick, why did you introduce me to all this. Why was I so spoiled in grad school. I looked for the easy way out. My experiments failed and I freaked out, I did drugs. Experiments fail! That’s the nature of science! More failure than success! Well, unless you get into the groove of things and you’re like a senior or something.

The other fascinating thing that will be fun to get acclimated to is the culture at Roche. The seniority ladder. Meeting all the new people. The senior scientists, shmoozing with them. Lol I jest. I’m good with the higher-ups. They always talk technical stuff and I love it, I can’t get enough. They like that in me, or tend to. Meeting my peers. Meeting the members of my group. Working with them. I’m a lot better than I used to be at, you know what? At teamwork in a lab environment. You do this, I do that, we finish sooner. It’s not typically my style because I feel a need to do all parts of a task, but I’ve gotten used to it. I still feel a little less accomplished in some small way, but it’s fine. The work gets done and we get our paychecks at the end of the day. Everyone is happy. There’s so much to look forward to, in this job, and in life, the future, in general.

That alien last night, induced by the kratom (parallel dimension BARRIER BREACH! lol) was really annoying. So even a lesser amount is too much. I need to drastically reduce my intake. This morning 3 cups is going really slowly, though, which is good. The more I can slow it down and pace myself, the better off I’ll be.

I need to keep my eyes peeled for b4nny’s stream today. The pro TF2 player. There’s no pro league for it, but there are tournaments. It’s not as famous as LoL or Starcraft even (which itself has died out over the years but retains a good following and sponsorship base just because it is a class in its own in the RTS genre, which seems not to have innovated in how long now?). Imagine programming an RTS. That would be such a fun project, provided you knew what you were doing. You would learn so much along the way. I want to program games in diverse gaming genres, to become a well-versed all-around game programmer, as a hobby. I dream of making a hit, of course, as every indie game go-it-alone designer does, like Stardew Valley. I am not good in the art department though. I haven’t really tried. It can’t be that hard. It’s probably even pleasant. Or am I in denial at my lack of skill? Mom helps out with the art. She’s helping with our current project, did the canals and the boat for our puzzler I’m working on.

Look at me talk on about nothing. What is this even. No one is going to read this. But you have to see the passion behind it, because it still means something. Uselessly sending signals out into the void. Human civilization is going to be around for the rest of the universe’s lifespan. There’s always a chance, someone will stumble upon my little corner of the internet. I wonder if the internet will be replaced by something. I don’t think it will. It seems to have solidified its niche in the human brain. Unfortunate parasite of the modern world. It has been around so short, and yet it’s so big, and has grown so rapidly. I don’t like it, in a sense. Old-timers probably guff and groan at its inception. We were fine without it, they’ll say. Yeah, I bet. I agree.

This post is coming to a close. Undoubtedly I will find nothing to do with my time and come back and write more about nothing more or less, slouching, as always, in a few minutes. I have professional gamers playing a tournament to watch in the meantime. Life is alright. You just have to figure out your neurotransmitters. Mine are dependent on a substance. If you don’t know what it is by now you haven’t been paying very close attention. I won’t repeat it for you. It starts with the letter k. It starts small, and takes over your life. It’s innocent, until it’s not. You gain weight, you don’t pay attention to your form, because there are so many other worse things going on in your mind. The nightmares, the lucid nightmares, the demons, the possession. I’ve been through horrifying experiences. I’m still alive. You learn to forget. Forget is the wrong word. You learn to live in the present, and eventually the present is alright. You always wish, retroactively, none of it had happened, not for any scars they have caused, but just because it’s not right, and there’s a universal space-time you that is still suffering massively in the past. I see it that way. That me, in the past, is currently having those nightmares, and needs to be rescued. Without time travel, I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to make it right, but I’ll try.

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