And the vicious cycle starts itself all over. I can’t find myself comfortable in my chair, which is bound to be annoying for whoever my neighbor ends up being in the office, neighbor(s). Constantly adjusting because I’m not comfortable. I haven’t told my psychiatrist yet. He’ll blame the kratom. He has thrown his hands up because I GUESS he’s never treated someone with a drug addiction AND a mental illness though don’t ya know it sounds pretty common, dunnit. Strange.

The nurse keeps missing me with her calls and they don’t staff their phone so it’s this mega game of phone tag, completely ridiculous of a professional healthcare company. I can’t be held accountable except maybe a little, I’m a patient with a brain disorder. I try my best. I don’t even know if they’re going to call today or not anymore or if I missed them early this morning.

I’ll just not get medical care because I can’t communicate with them. That sounds like a logical solution.

Fucking terrible system. Fucking idiots. Psychologists are idiots. They love being all cheerful and plucky, but when it comes to the least bit of technicality they’re retards. Useless humans.

Who haven’t I insulted on here so far…

I don’t typically eat breakfast though I dearly miss it. Three cups of ktea is my breakfast. And I feel the opioid working. Nodding off just now, ughhnnnnn so good. Drugs > food, a junkie will tell you. Republicans would shoot both of us in the face with a shotgun. They’re despicable human beings. No heart, no empathy, no care. Useless humans. Also useless humans.

They have so many options, too. They could go more moderate, start fresh, get new candidates. But I guess most of these retards are elected so it’s like, that’s what you’ve got. The guy that looks like a fish, the senator or whatever, needs to be assassinated, if only because he’s so ugly and retarded. Never mind that he’s a criminal with no spine or morals. The Republican base is trash. I’ve met like one good republican in my whole life; the rest have been slime. They probably have friends, whereas I don’t. It’s not fair. The good guys are always punished.

The sun outside on my skin feels good. The birds chirping in the air and on trees feels good. The fresh air feels good. I love nature. I wouldn’t want to live in the jungle, though I imagine some people do have their romantic dreams, but I wish I could go to the forest more often. I say forest, what we have is like a regional trail, it’s not really an intense forest with miles and miles of trees. I mean it is, but the trail is kind of domesticated. It’s a dirt trail. I don’t know. In my mind it’s not a complete forest, for some reason. Probably because there is a trail. But in the modern era, there’s always gonna be a trail.

Something like 5 cups of kratom already. I’ve been using more lately, if you’ve missed it. I got a little bit of psychosis late in night in bed last night, but that’s it. I think the Depakote is helping with that immensely. And my anxiety. My restlessness is terrible.

So I don’t pick up the phone because I don’t carry it on me, so I can’t talk to a doctor. That’s not fair.

I don’t even want to talk to these doctors, they’re so narrow minded and stupid. God. I hate everything. I hate everything right now.

Look at me, spewing toxic bile all over the internet. Good work, varjak.

Mom found the emergency stash I saved with her for moments just like this. I knew we still had one. We. I. So now I have that until the replacement arrives tonight. Hopefully I can adjust taste-wise to the red vein non-MD strain. I remember it tasting very rocky and like dirt. Not a good flavor. Green vein is more bitter, but at least it doesn’t taste like little rocks.

What else…

I guess that’s it for now. Back to my wasted life, until I start work. My family thinks they care for me, they don’t do a very good job. My needs are not being met. I need to do things. Fun things. Mom doesn’t even understand what that means. To her, it’s either hard work or gentle indoors like doing nothing drinking tea. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think she was a loser. I like me some action. I’m never going skydiving again because it scares her (see? how she limits my life?) but I wouldn’t mind climbing a mountain, after training for it. I’m not in shape, remember?

Ugh. What a terrible life. I can’t remember, in this moment, any time I’ve been happy. I’ve been happy on drugs. That’s all I remember. Which is, of course, false, I’ve been happy other times, but in this moment this is how my brain works. What a shame.

I’ll leave it at that.

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