I hate talking about myself all the time, but I don’t like watching/reading the news and nothing else really happens in my life.

So, I caved and went to a smoke shop and bought half a kilo (half of what I usually order online) of kratom. Green maeng da, the addicting strain, unfortunate they didn’t have different strains, but good they had powder. Started using the clickie counter to count my usage for the day. It’ doesn’t say what brand it is, just like, PREMIUM KRATOM and at least it has some nice artwork in the design, but it’s rather sketch.

I guess mom will not be wanting to go for a walk for me. If it stops raining–it might have already, I don’t know–I’ll go by myself. I generally don’t like walking in the rain, my shoes and then socks get wet.

So the kratom is here, so at least I have something to rely on for my life’s energy. I might even nod off seeing as I took two half days off. Withdrawal would’ve been I don’t know how long. Sigh. I need to get in contact with an addiction medicine doctor to get a prescription to help me taper but they’re so hard to get a hold of. I don’t want to just ask them, Call at blah time, because what if that doesn’t fit their schedule? It’s not a good system.

Systems, systems, systems. I studied engineering systems in college. Impulse response functions. That was actually the one thing I forgot to study for the exam. I got a C in that class. Otherwise I was a good student.

What else is not going on…

Work was postponed a week. As I already said. I haven’t asked if my recommendations went through, and the background check. I wonder how deep and investigation they’re doing. It’s good I’m keeping a low profile online. I’m pretty sure this blog is anonymous. Pseudonymous.

I wish I had someone to talk to. My ex hasn’t responded since last weekend. And none of my poetry friends are responding to email. I don’t really have anyone in my life. I could video chat with an ex-coworker from my last company who was kind of cool, but I feel like I would be bothering and wouldn’t really want to talk anyway.

ItMeJP is streaming Persona 5 online. It’s such a bad game series. JPop. Ugh so superficial. The script is atrocious. I expect the plot is boring, as well.

I need to read. This kratom is gonna set me back in my recovery from the flatness I feel. I could’ve been a whole person. But I just have nothing to do. My dream was to work, come home, game design / poetry, complete life. No need for friends. But I guess with the little to no initiative I have, that won’t work. It’ll be work, get home, catch up on social media. How social media has taken over my life. What garbage. Life’s too convenient. Used to be you had to walk places to get things. No more walking. Just sitting all day. You have to force yourself to exercise in the prison of your room and that’s like, terrible, I can’t do it. Sorry for the run-on sentences. I don’t know what to do.

I guess I’ll send a message to my care team. More like the we-don’t-care team. No, I probably won’t, on second thought. I don’t know.

I’m at a loss. Nothing ever happens. And now I suffer another week until work starts. More time to veg out. What a waste.

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