Some people, the way they talk or act, or what they believe, you just kind of wonder what’s wrong with them. A lot of people I know, actually.

I have nothing to do (I do), I feel like I just gave up on life. What is wrong with me. I don’t even get it anymore. Am I depressed? The lexapro was catastrophic and I don’t want to try any more antidepressants, it made me have panic attacks–not fun. I don’t even know if […]

I took a nap and I felt so refreshed. Then I put a nicotine lozenge in my mouth and I was restless and wired as shit, like immediately. It’s amazing how fast it is. God. Why am I addicted to such stupid, expensive things. No question marks anymore, eh? Life is miserable. I have no […]

I went for my walk today. My therapist didn’t respond to my messages. He has other patients so I should be courteous with his time. It’s so hard, when you have a professional on the line, though, and you just are so close to getting advice from him and yet so far. It’s usually useless […]

My psychiatrist prescribed me propanolol for the restlessness. I hope it works. I have to get my blood pressure checked before then, which is annoying, which means I have to convince my mom it’s okay to go on it and she’s to anti-medicine it’s ridiculous. So it’s just this complicated situation wtf sigh sigh sigh.

I wish I could recover. This is going to take so long. I had hope a few days ago, I had like a bit of time I wasn’t craving. But the numbers don’t like: I’m using as much as ever. Over thirty cups a day. Nick doesn’t respond to my texts. I don’t love him, […]

I have to say, though, that taking a break from complaining to my useless doctors about my state paid off. I feel a lot healthier now. Ironic. Fuck doctors.

I should get to sleep. I keep drinking kratom which is no good, and man well if I had gotten to bed around 10 I would’ve saved like 10 cups. Sigh. i don’t know. I feel like i’ll never be rid of this (expensive) addiction. Drugs. Fucked by drugs. Me. Of all people. I was […]