Feeling really lonely. Feeling like it’s inappropriate to text my only friend. We separated, basically. There’s a giant wall between us. There’s a wall between me and my brother. My mom’s not really close. I don’t have anyone. I ruined my live with my disease. As Alone in Kyoto by Air plays, I reconsider my situation and ponder, how to dig myself out? Do I need to travel somewhere to do some soul searching? It would have to be alone, and mom doesn’t want me going anywhere alone because of my mental illness and history of doing irresponsible things.
I think the worst is over. I just have to wait a little longer for some newer meds to kick in and I’ll be in a world of fiction. Maybe that will carry me. Off and away.
Softness. Warmth. Things that are missing from my life. I don’t really pay attention to it because it’s the new norm for me, but my psyche and reality are really harsh, hard-edged, rough, tough, solid, and rocky. There’s no getting past it.
Some music, some tunes, really hit the spot, though. I want to give back. I want to create. We’ll do it, with this literary magazine, we’ll do it.
I hope life goes okay for me. I hope calmer winds come my way.