Work went well enough. I got some SOPs out of the way, reading I mean. And a 40-page statistics SOP. I’m surprised it was that easy. Talked to my senior, he’s a good guy.
Saw my therapist this morning. It’s always consoling. He gave me some homework, I need to check my messages to remember what it is, though. Like, brainstorm activities or things I may like or do like, to expand my set of activities to participate in. And a journaling technique. He said he would send a reminder.
Tomorrow I see my psychiatrist, and get my labs done to check if I am immune to Hepatitis B. I hope I am. That way I don’t have to get the vaccine for work and I can get into lab sooner to start running experiments.
Nothing else to report, really. Mom works tonight. Brother, as always, is stuffed away in his room all day. Although, I did hear him on a business call in the kitchen when dad wasn’t home! Pretty neat. Gave me a good glimpse that, yes, he is still alive. I didn’t hear too much of the call or pay attention really, just the tone of voice was very businessy and he is very level-headed about things.
I intend to read some of the novel I hope to finish eventually, A Spool of Blue Thread. I went for my daily walk and my legs felt a little weak, probably from not exercising enough for so long. Which scares me. I’ve been so quick my whole life that losing my mobility would be a huge blow to me. Not paralytic, I just mean, fat.
Hmm. And the rest. I should probably try at some creative writing tonight. I don’t have many passing thoughts besides wining about my life and situation and worries, so no creative inspiration for like short stories.
Patterns. I see patterns invading my mind. Ruining my sanctity of thought. Abstract. Hard to explain. Maybe a part of schizoaffective disorder? I don’t really believe, deep down, that I have it still. I keep telling myself it’s just because I OD on kratom every day, and have been for years. That’ll do it, right? Right?
I wish I had someone to talk to but I guess talking to the internet counts. Here, in this blog, my blog. Someone may read any of my posts, someday. You never know. So I should be prepared, and welcome guests here with proper manners and civility.
I feel milder of psyche on the propranolol. It doesn’t actually help me with my akathisia though. Just my mental agitation. Hmm. Not what it’s supposed to do but okay.
Talking to myself out of desperation here now. Can you tell I’m desperate? To hold on.
Oh yeah, the big thing my therapist told me today is that I am depressed, and have been for years. He says it’s because of the schizoaffective disorder, because I have depressive type, and that’s why I don’t like doing anything and always feel miserable. That makes sense; SA is less intense depression + less intense psychosis, but presence of both. I’m not in bed all day dying. And I don’t have psychosis that often. So that makes sense.
The branches of the tree outside blowing in the wind. Some sort of blossoms coming out of it.
That’s all for now. If I get desperate again I might come back here to complain about my life more. This was a fairly complaint-free post. I don’t feel like talking about every little detail, either, so I omitted some things which were trivial.
So yeah. Hope you’re well on the other side of the tubes.