Mom is outside in the rear yard sitting in front of Iris’s shrine, contemplating. It’s cold outside but she has one of those what are those called after the shower a bathrobe on. She has a bathrobe on. White but discolored white, off-white.

There is something profoundly profoundly lonely about knowing that no one will ever read any of your posts. I am so alone, not even in space, but just on this planet. And then the planet is alone in space. And, there’s just tons of buttfucking loneliness all around.

I slept through a large chunk of work today. I intend to make it up tomorrow. It was good sleep though. But I also don’t know why I fell asleep. I wasn’t really sleepy but I got in bed mildly tired and fell asleep for hours. I don’t understand.

I don’t think the propranolol is doing anything, but I should wait another few weeks. I wonder if I can get the clonodine on top, in the mail. I can’t imagine watching a movie right now. I just can’t sit still long enough, in my mind, or for a book, or any story, I can’t sit still, mentally, for anything that progresses over time. When did I lose that skill? I want more research done on this. It is an under-addressed issue, for me and likely many others. Or maybe I’m just being left out?

That’s all. I ran out of things to say. I can always come up with more but why bother.

I love you.

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