It’s Saturday. The weather is beautiful. There’re even a few clouds in the sky, it knows I like that. And we could go anywhere in the vicinity, some redwood forest, other places, the coast, anything. I don’t want to go anywhere because I’m scared I would get irritated. My fam isn’t very good at encouraging me to overcome these fears. They just accept them and are alright with staying local. We may go to a local park we frequent.

I had a dream there was a beach and my family was on vacation, I was younger, like a child or middle-school age, and going back and forth on the beach for some reason. It felt good.

No one I know is interested in me. Even my family doesn’t bother to speak to me about much. Mom is kind of interested in astrophysics/quantum physics (pop) and nanorobotics/bioengineering (pop), but the way she talks about it is so ignorant that it doesn’t interest me much.

I don’t like my lifestyle, and yet, it’s the only thing that gives me comfort. Maybe I’ve reached that age. Maybe it’s too late for me to explore, go on adventures. Maybe it’s time to settle down. Single. Alone. With my birth family. Maybe this is it.

Control seems like an amazing sci-fi game. I’m watching someone play it, which means I’m getting all the spoilers but I don’t know, maybe I would play it some day.

I’m setting all these goals for myself to complete… someday. Someday, I will do x y z. Someday, in the future, I will love life and live it to the fullest. Once I have recovered.

But I wonder if I will have time for it all. I wonder how long I really have.

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