Took two halls pills of clonidine over the course of the evening. Checked my blood pressure after the first pill. Normal-low. Diastolic a little low but not critical.

I’m feeling pretty calm right now. Calm and content. Is it because I yelled at my psychiatrist for the stupid drug policy at Kaiser Premanente?

I don’t want to go on suboxone b/c if I have a drink of alcohol for whatever freak reason, or dose on klonopin, it could kill me. Yeahhhhh fuck noooooo thank you!

Lots of good songs by this Japanese synth pop artist I forget. Retro. I don’t know what that genre of music is called.

Using too much kratom again. But there’s so much else to notice in life.

My mom’s English is not good. After all these years, she hasn’t learned.

She wrote a book. I can’t read, so I can’t edit it. Sad. We could make it publishable. I don’t know why we’re so unlucky.

Once I get a few paychecks we’re going to move out. We’ll probably have to use dad as our broker. I don’t want to but mom has Stockholm Syndrome, basically, for her husband. Retarded as shit. Shiiiiiit. Y’know. That vibe.

Not because we’ll have money. I already have money. But because you have to show income stream to qualify for the loan.

Wow clonidine gives me a stomach ache like ASAP. Interesting.

Or I guess it’s not the clonidine. Hmm. I think it’s the clonidine. Placebo effect or not, it’s the clonidine.

Enjoying the silence. I need to do that more.

I’ve been so scared for so long. I’ve been abused by so many people. Coworkers, peers, family. It’s finally ending. I hope I can stabilize.

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