I don’t know what to do. It’s the middle of a Thursday workday and I feel lost. I don’t have any work to do because I’m done with all my training and I’m waiting for my badge request to go through. Then next Tuesday I can get in-lab training. I’m working on a genomics video tutorial from the company. Watching, not making. And it’s a lot of information, they put tough questions and expect you to remember small details on the quiz which is annoying but also kind of cool :). I like being challenged.

The suboxone decision also really freaks me out because if you’re on suboxone and you use a benzo, either clonazepam or alcohol are the ones available to me, I could die. That risk, that risk of me using either, is not something I want to live with for so long. What if I slip? It’s stupid. I canceled my apt with my doctor to reschedule and talk about it later. Of course she thinks suboxone or methadone could help me. Of course. Doctors always say stuff like that. The medication, the therapy, will really help. Bleh.

So I’m always on my own ass about wasting time and stuff, but if I were more lenient with myself I feel it wouldn’t be as bad. I don’t know. I shouldn’t yell at myself on the inside so much. It’s not healthy.

Trying to figure out how to sign up for 401k through my staffing firm.

Ghost images, under or over my reality, very faint, of people, things, motion, gestures. Hmm.

Mom’s out buying something small, I forget what. Dad’s home as usual he doesn’t work still because he has skin problems on his feet, and brother is cooped up in his room working his ass off. I’ve been doing pushups and crunches the last two days. It’s easy enough so I’ll continue. Makes me feel a mote better.

Yeah. I don’t know what to do. Fighting the panic is a constant. Sigh.

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