Starting Work & Realizing What Needs to Happen to Revolutionize My Life

I suppose, and it doesn’t quite take a rocket scientist to figure this out but it does take a little thinking, that it only takes one person in life to be happy: Yourself. Some feed off a spouse, mutually, live amicably as 2. Some need a family, 3, 4. Some have friends, 5, 6, 7. Etc. etc.

I don’t know what the magic number is for me. I wish I could be happy alone, but I know for sure by now that, empirically, it doesn’t seem to be 1. I have had time to myself for years, and it has been the misery of my life.

Living on a college campus was the peak of my life. Sort of on my own, but in frequent contact with up to hundreds, surrounded by thousands. I think being “well-networked” is not just business corporate bullshit evil, but a reality that brings in good fortune, good sentiment. What am I trying to say here?…

Hmm. I don’t know. I mean, I wish there were some form of living or lifestyle arrangement that could mimic what I had in college. Living in a city, you say? Never done it. Any recommendations? I’m near SF. I just don’t have the money, and investing in a house in the ‘burbs seems so much more attractive, although destructive for the planet. =/. Plus, I am bound by the mores of my family. Profit over benevolence. Be selfish. Care for just the inner circle, no one else. Not very empathetic parenting, but it is what it is. We have to admit that my father, in particular, is a whore-ass. Mom, in small ways, is selfish, but she’s had a hard life and has had enough for decades now. She’s kinder. She cares about the planet.

I want to just feel alive for fucking once in nearly a decade now. What the fucking fuck? Where do I go, who do I talk to, to find “the right group”, or is this a myth entirely? I tried poetry, board games, ultimate frisbee, probably other stuff. None of it worked. I guess I just keep going, keep trying? Right?

Sigh. I don’t know if I give up too easily or what. It’s a little stupid.

I want to meet cool people so bad. I’m starting to, on my first day on campus at work, already. (Some rather attractive women, might I add–though by this age, which woman isn’t married, aye, with kids?) I want to bang up the town. I never had the sex life whatever shitstorm during college for reasons I could explain but won’t now. (In short: I wasn’t that horny, it seemed selfish, and I wasn’t into it.) I guess my thirties, now that there are no fish in my fish bowl (fuck), is when my sexy Holden Caulfield flowers. What a mixed gender metaphor.

So it’s hard. This is the first sensible post I’ve written in a while, so you can probably tell I’m doing alright. I had more introductory training at work today. I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow yet, my direct upper / senior (surrogate manager) said nothing scheduled for tomorrow, so I don’t know why they are paying me? And actual training on the instruments on Thursday. Tuesday/Wednesday are hanging. I might head in and just talk to people, introduce myself. Ah. I don’t know. Not my style but why not?

So. This is where I’m at. I’ve been so engrossed in my problems I haven’t had any semblance of a solution, like I said, for nearly a decade now. I am starting to stimulate my mind, with work, with literature, with self-education, with media beside the mind-rotting stuff I used to watch (though even that is a magnitude up from what some folks indulge in, I like to think as I like to think of myself as a rather sophisticated fellow).

If anyone interested but shy ever reads this, or has been reading my blog here, or will, do not hesitate to contact me. I’m at varjakbaby@wordpress.com, I believe, and that should forward you to my main email and I can respond from there. I’m not giving out my phone number on the internet cuz that’s stupid.

In other news, it looks like we’re running out of time for submissions for issue 2. Bleh. I don’t know. Seems like a lost cause. Abandon ship! I don’t know. Regular contributor paradigm is a bit shifty. But I’ve already put so much work into it, we put out issue 1, and I signed us up for an ISSN, even! We’re pretty legit. It’d be sad to let it go. Maybe I’m at the trough of the rollercoaster right now. The valley of despair. There’s a word that goes here but I can’t conjure it.

Well anyway. That’s that. I hope you’re doing well. As always, don’t feel afraid to comment, like, follow. I enjoy the attention and if you ever feel pressured into following but deep down don’t want to, on the other side, don’t. Just do what’s right for you.

Adieu.

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