I was supposed to be attending a reading sponsored by a literary magazine earlier today, but my kratom got me op’ed up and nodding off so I fell asleep right when it started. Kratom can really ruin my plans for the day if I’m not careful.

Missed my chance to hang out with Nick, too. Because of kratom.

So I’ll be starting suboxone next weekend. Next Friday evening. I need mom to go pick up the prescription for me because I can’t wait in lines. Akathisia and restlessness. Makes it too painful.

Now I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get a decent dialogue engaged between myself and another party. I can’t talk to my mother, or brother, or father, or baby brother. I can’t really, well I can but, Nick doesn’t respond. It’s hard to find people on social media to just straight up talk to, especially about what I want to talk about. They have to agree to entering the conversation. And. It’s just hard to find someone to talk to. My therapist just says like really pedantic things to me, like, “You seem to be experiencing some anxieties.” Yes, dipshit, I am.

I don’t know. I guess I’m scared that something bad is going to happen if I continue to live this way.

I’ll be getting my first vaccine Tuesday. Even though I have a sore throat. No one needs to know.

And next week at work, from home, neither my manager nor my senior are there, so it’s just reading instrument manuals and attending some training, virtual, for things this or that-like. Two trainings, or three, I believe. And instrument manuals. Easy week if no one’s breathing down my shoulder. I’m so self-imposing though. I feel I never work hard enough. So in a sense, weeks alone are the worst weeks. Plus the lack of socialization.

I don’t understand people who start families. The same people, for the rest of your life? That’s scary to me.

I want something to happen and I don’t know what. I’m trying not to end this post abruptly like I have been all of them lately, but I don’t know how not to. So I guess I’ll just let it happen.

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