I’m sick of this moralistic obligation I’ve imposed upon myself. It’s true, to get things done, to grow, to proceed, you have to take action. But I don’t want not doing so to be some sort of apocalypse on my mind. Some scourge mentality. I want it to be okay to not care, to not want, to just be.

For example: We were, my friend Nick and I, planning on going out for photography for a while, a few weeks now at least, and still haven’t. Looks like today he is available. Of course, it turns out, I don’t want to, when push comes to shove.

And I don’t care. I don’t care that I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel guilty for not going. I don’t want to be peer-pressured into things, even if they’re good or healthy for me. I don’t want to be peer pressured into living a happy life.

Which is a complicated subject. What do you do? Take the freedom, or take the happy life? There’s a riddle somewhere here and maybe I’m not looking deep enough, or not analyzing it correctly. I don’t understand. You’d think being yourself WOULD give you a happy life. Neh?

So, now I just have to think, how do I tell him I don’t want to go, again?

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