I forgot how to live. I forgot how to make decisions. I’m restless. I don’t appreciate anything. I’m not spoiled, except I am. But I don’t complain. Except I do, all the time. But I’m not whiny about it.

Well whatever I can say, it’s not like it was at the come down from the episode yesterday. Observing everything around me, simply observing. There was something special about my brain then that I don’t normally have. The meds fuck me so hard and I don’t know why. But I’m also fucked without them. Hopefully, in a year, it’s just the kratom and I don’t even need meds any more. Hopefully I can go back to normal.

I slept again through work today again, partially. I had nothing to do. In my own bed, in my own room, with my work laptop open on my desk.

Tomorrow I have to go into lab for training and then tube labeling.

The day after that, more tube labeling.

I also have an apt with my therapist tomorrow morning.

Anonymity in the numbers, I’ve heard, isn’t safe.

Well I play it all the time. But you’re right: It makes me anxious.

I want to appreciate life for what it is. But all the new agey preaching to love yourself and others for what it is just won’t do. Talking about it doens’t help. I need some major restructuring of my brain. I’ll have to get off my drugs.

Sooner or later, somehow, hopefully.

And I just struggle, suffer, until then.

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