What am I supposed to be doing? I am so confused. Someone, please help me.

Rhetorically speaking.

But in any case…

The quick fixes only last so long. Microposts, doses of kratom, talking with mom. Where is the long term solution?

I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need an antidepressant but my psychiatrist wants me off kratom first. For reasons, I have to wait two weeks before I can do that. My mom needs to pick up my suboxone, I need to reroute where from. I’m so sick of dealing with healthcare, and I don’t even do it that much. Imagine a cancer patient. Beyond you know, dying, it’s likely a gigantic hassle. Sigh.

What can I do? What can we do? I’m so focused on my problems. Do I need to improve? Who can tell me how? I feel that I will have to do it on my own.

Life’s so difficult. My life has been so difficult. I haven’t even been to war, but there is that study or set of studies where kids from suburbia had cortisol levels as high as kids from war-torn regions. It’s scary. Hence the suicide.

Well, I don’t know what to do. My inner compass must be broken. No direction whatsoever. I really don’t, though… know what to do, that is.

My manager is fucking mismanaging me. But I get to go for all-day training the next four days -_- hassle, no brainpower, annoying work, I fucking hate lab biology, why didn’t I go into something that takes some brain, like physics, theoretical physics. I was good at that in college. Why didn’t I pursue it? Because my fucking department head discouraged me from double majoring. Fucking cunt. Jesus fucking christ.

But we’ve veered a little off-track here, haven’t we.

I keep complaining to my therapist, too. I don’t know if it helps. Or not. I don’t know if it helps or not. Sigh.

I’m at 12 teaspoons or cups, same unit of measure, of kratom and it’s 2 minutes prior to noon.

I’m so tired. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. Why even bother writing? It’s not going to pay the bills. Inherent value? Am I that in debt, psychologically?

It’s hard to understand what is going on. What are my problems. I don’t really know. Why write? That’s a strange question. I just do, but maybe I shouldn’t? It’d be hard to stop. I’m kind of addicted, to be frank. But I could cut it right now, not permanently, just this post, at any time as I’ve said enough. But how do I make the decision not to? Where’s the switch? Intelligence, awareness, mental capacity. Existence. It’s so confusing. I can’t believe I’m grappling with this ad hoc. Wow. It just sort of sprang up and it’s the same question so many grapple with.

I don’t want this aggrandized shit. I want easy, normal, small things. Give me the next pink bunny smiley.

Well anyway, looks like I won’t be trained for lab notebook use today. The dude isn’t responding.

I don’t know what to do.

Fuck I’ve fought so many fights. It’s so hard.

At least I’ve recorded it.

I haven’t won all of them, either. I’ve lost quite a few.

Sad, but true.

Okay, I guess I’ll go, for now.

Thank you for being patient with me.

Hope you have a good day. Get some sunshine, but I’m not the boss of you.

(Honestly, who would ever read this drivel? I don’t understand…)

v

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