What am I supposed to be doing? I am so confused. Someone, please help me.
But in any case…
The quick fixes only last so long. Microposts, doses of kratom, talking with mom. Where is the long term solution?
I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need an antidepressant but my psychiatrist wants me off kratom first. For reasons, I have to wait two weeks before I can do that. My mom needs to pick up my suboxone, I need to reroute where from. I’m so sick of dealing with healthcare, and I don’t even do it that much. Imagine a cancer patient. Beyond you know, dying, it’s likely a gigantic hassle. Sigh.
What can I do? What can we do? I’m so focused on my problems. Do I need to improve? Who can tell me how? I feel that I will have to do it on my own.
Life’s so difficult. My life has been so difficult. I haven’t even been to war, but there is that study or set of studies where kids from suburbia had cortisol levels as high as kids from war-torn regions. It’s scary. Hence the suicide.
Well, I don’t know what to do. My inner compass must be broken. No direction whatsoever. I really don’t, though… know what to do, that is.
My manager is fucking mismanaging me. But I get to go for all-day training the next four days -_- hassle, no brainpower, annoying work, I fucking hate lab biology, why didn’t I go into something that takes some brain, like physics, theoretical physics. I was good at that in college. Why didn’t I pursue it? Because my fucking department head discouraged me from double majoring. Fucking cunt. Jesus fucking christ.
But we’ve veered a little off-track here, haven’t we.
I keep complaining to my therapist, too. I don’t know if it helps. Or not. I don’t know if it helps or not. Sigh.
I’m at 12 teaspoons or cups, same unit of measure, of kratom and it’s 2 minutes prior to noon.
I’m so tired. I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do. Why even bother writing? It’s not going to pay the bills. Inherent value? Am I that in debt, psychologically?
It’s hard to understand what is going on. What are my problems. I don’t really know. Why write? That’s a strange question. I just do, but maybe I shouldn’t? It’d be hard to stop. I’m kind of addicted, to be frank. But I could cut it right now, not permanently, just this post, at any time as I’ve said enough. But how do I make the decision not to? Where’s the switch? Intelligence, awareness, mental capacity. Existence. It’s so confusing. I can’t believe I’m grappling with this ad hoc. Wow. It just sort of sprang up and it’s the same question so many grapple with.
I don’t want this aggrandized shit. I want easy, normal, small things. Give me the next pink bunny smiley.
Well anyway, looks like I won’t be trained for lab notebook use today. The dude isn’t responding.
I don’t know what to do.
Fuck I’ve fought so many fights. It’s so hard.
At least I’ve recorded it.
I haven’t won all of them, either. I’ve lost quite a few.
Sad, but true.
Okay, I guess I’ll go, for now.
Thank you for being patient with me.
Hope you have a good day. Get some sunshine, but I’m not the boss of you.
(Honestly, who would ever read this drivel? I don’t understand…)