I hadn’t eaten all day so I think with my sensitivity that might’ve been causing some of the depressiveness I was feeling today. Yes, depression.
I don’t want to write Nick any emails, sort of like a challenge for myself, because he’s a piece of shit anyway and why would I talk to him if he doesn’t respond.
I hope my anonymity on here is solid. I don’t want him to find out what I am saying about him. i don’t actually think he’s a bad guy, you can be a piece of shit but still a good person but yeah.
I don’t have the attention span to watch movies. I want to watch movies and play video games. I want to enjoy my life. I don’t know why I don’t seem capable of that.
I didn’t hardly do any work today. I feel bad because of it.
I had my appointment with my psychiatrist. He’s a piece of shit, too. He just wants me off the kratom. What if I want to stay on it, huh? Like it’s not even my choice. Taking away my voluntary rights, fuckers. Kaiser Permanente / modern western healthcare is police state-ey. Garbage. Doctors are garbage. From what I’ve encountered.
Mom is going to pick up the suboxone tomorrow. I can take on Friday without having hit withdrawal, but it will just precipitate withdrawal or so that seems to b e how ti works. Fuck. So I get a nice weekend guaranteed this weekend.
I don’t know. If I had nothing to live for I would definitely kill myself. My family keeps me alive, that’s just about it. I don’t like existence as it is. Life is fucking torture. So many people are miserable. We haven’t advanced shit the human species, at all.
I haven’t written any poetry today, I probably should, but surprisingly with all this depression, I also have no inspiraiton. It’s not surprising to me. Poetry comes from a positive spot for me, not a negative one. i don’t know why my therapist and CJ tell me to draw inspiration from my negativity. I’m not Edgar Allen Poe, guys.
No one reads this. I’m never going to meet anyone. And if I do they’ll be too shy to introduce themselves, even. so it’s just fucked all around.
Fuck. I hate life.