I’m horrified that my psychosis could return at any moment. It’s horrifying. And therefore, I’m not stable, from the tension of not knowing if it’s really gone alone. I’m not stable, I’m not sound, I’m not at peace.
Also feeling really guilty at the same time, but fucking people don’t understand that I’m not capable of the things they want out of me. Nazis. You try breathing underwater! I know factually that I can’t do what they’re asking, and yet I still feel guilty. I’m right, but I’m wrong. It makes no sense.
I’m just totally fucked, and I don’t know what to do.
Got the farts today for the first time in a month for some reason. I don’t know why. I had some milk? Maybe my heterozygous lactose intolerance polymorphism? Hmm.
How are you all, sweeties? I hope you find yourselves in good shape.
Things are going better now that Biden is president. The misinformation thing is pretty stupid but that doesn’t worry me too much, supposing established foundational institutions don’t collapse entirely. The shitty folk on Twitter, the little ants, don’t really matter.
I haven’t felt at ease in so long. There’s this baseline level of anxiety that I just carry with me at all times. I wish I could let go. They preach at you to FUCKING LET GO fucking MORONS STOP YELLING AT ME I CAN’T!! Stupid. Stupidos! (Stupid stupidos! lul =P)
But I guess, barring all that, things are all right. Worked on some data analysis today, just learning the ropes through independent exploration of some HPV data in JMP (statistical analysis software package (when did computer programs first start being called packages? bizarre…)). It’s my favorite! I love working intellectually at the computer so so so so soooooooooooo much more than doing labwork. I AM NOT A LAB MONKEY DON’T TREAT ME LIKE ONE. Fuck. Need to start protests at my company, all pharmaceutical biomedical companies. Srsly. It’s shit. Let the robots do the dehumanizing labor.
But if you’ve been reading along I think you must have heard me a while ago say this sort of thing. That labwork, biology, is tedious and stupid. Well here I am saying it again.
Funny how a song can have a certain branded sound, that belongs to a composer. I find that fascinating.
I’ve been finding so much beauty online lately. I splurged on some art (few hundred $) to support independent small artists AND score some immense finds. I love aesthetics. Shit’s so cool. DON’T YELL AT ME FOR SWEARING. And the voices talk back. They always respond. Well… so do I!
What was I saying?
I’m scared. Like, really scared. My brain is finally working and I have a job, I have a job! =D I have income and occupation.
Oh yeah! I’ll be going on suboxone first thing tomorrow morning before I hit my first dose of kratom (meaning, I will NOT hit that first dose–or any other doses). Scary! *teeth chatter*
What are my thoughts on this… Hmm…
Well, I don’t think about it too much, honestly. My kratom addiction has mostly flown under the radar for me. It’s only recently (last year or so) that I’ve come to regrettingly acknowledge that it’s probably not good for me, steals some of my spirit and energy. Super accurate medical terms, they taught me that in school 8-). So, um, yeah, now I know, and I’m doing something about it.
I hope it doesn’t kill me. I’m horrified of dying, and I think about it so often. That’s actually one of the things I’m scared of. Like I worry often that I’ll just keel over and freak out and fucking DIE instantaneously at any moment. It’s so scary. There’s no reason to believe I will, but… I can’t convince myself otherwise.
I don’t want to leave my family, by dying I mean. They would never forgive me, and they would be sooo scarred. Fuck. It’s fucked. The emotional damage would be epic. Just, shit. I can’t even describe it. *cries just thinking about it*
Well. I guess the only option is NOT to. But I do need to take risks. I need to get off the kratom, and I can’t without the therapy! Fuck. I’ve tried. =/
Why does the world blame me for so many problems…
See how I avoided confrontation that time? Except NOW I’m not. I’m so belligerent…
Well anyway. That’s enough for now. I can hear the voices starting to abuse me. What did I do?! =O
I’m so scared…