My main problem, I am honing in on just now, I am starting to realize, is I can’t just relax. I always need something to help me get by. I’m codependent, on various different things, but codependent nonetheless. And I think people who know me have known but kind of taken it for granted. People on the internet, my family, Nick, my doctors.
I have to feel accomplished working hard all the time because I can’t just relax. If I could just do nothing and be alright with myself there would be no problem.
This is my first day off kratom entirely, with only suboxone helping me, so who knows, maybe it will improve hereon out. It went pretty well tonight.
I just had a cup of coffee, made it myself, and it was pretty good. Fix for the night. Well, not that… yeah I don’t know. Did I need that, too? I needed it because I couldn’t just relax? I think that is the sad truth.
But it’s just a cup of coffee, on the other hand, so no hard feelings.
I’m starting to get a sense of like, when things aren’t a gigantic catastrophe. Before, everything was. Now, it’s starting to calm down.
I haven’t had any psychosis, just a tad, today, I think. Also I think my brain is interpreting input more correctly, I can self-assess, now. Off the kratom. 25 doses a day is… obscene. Obscenely unhealthy. My doctors were right.
I mean we’ll never know for sure until the scientific studies are done, but I guess for now we just want to improve my life.
I’m free. But sometimes I don’t feel it. It’s sad. I need to improve my sorry state. I need to fix my mind. Sounds scary, dystopian, doesn’t it? But I mean it.
Well in any case. I bought a curved 144 Hz monitor (ergonomic! efficient!) with G-Sync capability (compatible with my GEFORCE GTX NVidia enabled laptop–good laptop! bought it for game design! (which I haven’t done in a while…), so that’s nice. I don’t know why I will need that but it’s nice to have. I really ought to, now that I mention it, get back into game design. It was like the only activity where I was in control of my own progress, and it wasn’t mind-numbing. Like biology *stares*.
Dad just announced there are some parcels downstairs. He’s such a strange man. Why would he bother us with this information? Won’t we just find out when we go outside? Well. I don’t know.
So back on topic, I should continue with the game design. The problem was, and this is really stupid, and I’m a little ashamed to admit all this, that, I made progress, but it was so slow that I felt it wasn’t worth it. BUT, if you’re making progress, no matter how slow, you’re going to get somewhere. Ancient sayings and all. And also, progress can always accelerate. In fact it likely will. Things usually aren’t linear. In nature, it’s actually pretty rare for things to be linear. Including processes like learning and accomplishment. So think of that. I mean, I should. Is what I mean. And when I do, I realize, I could become a great indie game designer in like, five years, if I just keep going with it. I had a dream, a while ago, of having a day job (check!) and then coming home and working in my game design studio in the evenings until bedtime (…). What I mean is, I kind of gave up on my dream, and I do kind of tend to give up on my dreams. I’ve had so many dreams from childhood I’ve given up on–mathematician, physicist, video game designer, probably others I can’t remember–that it’s just… heart-breaking. My mother must be saddened. I don’t know. Father too, if he knows. Of course he does. So. I should keep going. I should revamp and restart and kick it off all this stuff, I should just, get restarted with all this stuff, and start off with game design, specifically, because it’s the most accessible, and I can. I can.
I don’t know. Poetry sometimes feels like an excuse. I wonder how long you can possibly practice something while being shitty at it. That’s how I feel about my poetry. I practice it for ten years now and I still suck like nails. Because I don’t put my mind into it. I don’t put real effort into it. It’s a copout. It’s shit. What am I. What am I even. And you have to make choices, always, and something will come into physical existence, and that’s just how the universe works, and if you don’t like it, well, it’s rough. It can be rough. The artist melds reality to his whim. Engineering is a trip. I love engineering. I want to get an engineering license. Mechanical would be swell. I don’t know. I want so many things beside money.
I need to handle my demons first and foremost. And that means (without skipping steps) getting off the kratom. Doctors have tried to help me for so long.
Getting psychosis that my father is angry with me. Which is funny because he’s an ass and I fucking hate his guts. But I also love him and feel sorry for him. It’s complicated. How much of it is real, how much is insanity, though? I’ll never know.
No, I probably will. Once I recover.
I hope I recover before I die.
I don’t know if anyone is going to read this ever. I wrote it more slowly and methodically, and I feel more in the zone. Or out of the zone. Whichever way you would use to describe it. I’m starting to go through some mental agony. I should probably talk to my mom. I don’t know if she can help. Let’s find out? Ahh, choices. With your life on the line. Isn’t that sweet.
Well not really. But your pain on the line.
But imagine, some have to make choices with lives on the line. I wonder what that is like.
I hope not a big deal, for starters. If it is then they’re obviously not trained to be doing what they’re doing.
It’s so simple.
But the devil does have its ways. And I have my nightmares.
I’ll just finish this up and visit with her complaining about my psychotic terror I guess.
So, thanks for reading, if you have. And keep up the good work.