How much writing does it take to make things right? Remember, it is very important to remember, that I have LOST before, while writing. I lost, to the demons. So, writing will not save you.
So yeah. There’s that.
So what will?
Sleep. Sleep will.
Force feed myself the sleep?
I should ask my therapist how to fall asleep on time.
He’ll say a bunch of cheeky stupid shit that’s easy to disregard b/c it’s stupid and cheeky. Medical professionals have some brain cells missing, that’s for sure.
Well in any case.
I don’t feel entitled to anything that is rightfully mine.
I feel like a Jap during the WWII American relocation of Japanese Americans in internment camps.
Or any sort of thing that has happened around the world in history.
I mean I guess it could happen. The mentally ill could be systematically targeted.
But what proof is there that I’m a wacko?
My health insurance records, but yeah, what else?
Really. I act normal enough. Who knows. Some people look way crazier than me.
Nick’s a bitch. fuck him so hard. He’s the cause of so many of my problems.
He never responds.
But I think he gets it better than I do.
Words aren’t enough.
There aren’t enough of them.
They are powerless.
What actions ACTIONS do I need to take to fix this?
I guess I always look on the negative side of things
Am I a pessimist?
Is that a bad question to ask? What? Did I say something inappropriate?
I miss college. The academia setting. Where people were in it for the pursuit of knowledge, jointly. Things were so much better then.
There are causes in the world that are so much better than what I’m a part of now.
Granted, my world is half imaginary at this point. Imaginary criminals, assailants, victims, etc. etc.
It’s hard to say.
Now Nick is trying to get me to look at the positive side of things. Which is surprising. I for sure thought he was angry at me. Maybe he still is, but he’s doing the right thing.
I’m so sensitive to anger.
Hold on got to respond t’ another one of his texts. Gotta check up on the name of this song what’s playing.
I don’t EVER want to snap or lash out at him. If I’m ever angry at him, I HAVE to HAVE TO hide it from him. From everyone, maybe share with my mom, but reasonably, in a normal tone of voice. I can NOT explode at him like I did last time. It’s not fair. He doesn’t deserve it.
And I think he sees this coming.
Well anyway, I could keep playing guessing games but I don’t know.
What do we know, in the end.
I could go on but I’m gonna call it. Even if it’s forced. I have to.