It’s morning and last night was, I don’t remember, was it bad again? I could ask my mom. She is a part of these forays into the world of psychosis.

I still get negative vibes writing about some things and not some others. Why is that? Am I so weak? But no one’s holding my wrist, right? I think I’m just scarred. I’ll figure this all out sooner or later. That’s the goal, at least.

I’m refilling my suboxone today. On the phone with the pharmacy at the moment. My addiction doctor is out till May so that’s the way it’s got to be done.

I sent some nasty messages to my other doctors. Ugh. Why why why do I do these things.

Work today. No assigned tasks. Which I mean is nice, it’s nice to sort of just float around, but I wish I at least had some data analysis to do or something. Can they figure out how to keep me busy without making me feel like a slave? Is that really so hard? Modern capitalism is really just a dunce, honestly. Pharmaceuticals is the stupidest. I’ve been in pharma for years. It’s not a smart industry.

I forgot to do my French exercises yesterday. Which makes me feel bad, I guess. I don’t know. Not really. I’m just saying that. But you say it, it means it. Right?

I feel like I’m adjusting to sobriety and my newfound powers of rationality still.

Day 3 no kratom. Is nice.

Hmm.

Well mostly I wish I had something to do.

Being lazy at work makes me feel like a criminal. Should I message my senior for more data analysis tasks? I hate having to ask specifically to be kept busy like a puppydog. Why can’t I do it myself? Why are my superiors so stupid?

I’m exhasperated now. Gosh, that was easy.

I don’t know what happened last night. Nothing terrible. The spirits are just that–spirits. They’re nothing to be scared of. So don’t be scared.

Well anyway. I’ve said that like three times now without heading out.

Long hold times on the kaiser pharmacy call center. High call volumes.

I don’t want to talk to my senior. I don’t want to do lab work again. It’s so painful. Work is painful.

Nick texted with me a little bit last night. He was kind enough. Friendly. Encouraging. Eh. I guess. For what it’s worth.

Hmm.

I have no purpose in life. No intellectual ambition. What is this even about.

I’ll manage.

I guess that’s it for now.

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