I don’t know. Life is not like the TV. Therapy is not whenever you want as long as you need on whatever topic you feel like. It’s guided and compact and infrequent. Which is why I still have to write in here. So there’s that for yer explanation.
I’m getting mega bad psychotic vibes, delusional that my dad is abusing me.
But I did like give away his phone number on twitter while psychotic. I don’t know what exactly happened during that time except that my account was banned. I hope he didn’t sustain any injury of any form, including reputational. I don’t know.
But I have this fear that, he knew, and knew it was me, and has me like, banned as spam on his email filters. I sent him an email to recommend a music artist he asked me to look up for him. He didn’t get the email.
So like Google’s failure turns into this massive psychotic delusional episode. Well it’s only one part of the whole picture. And Google probably works. There’s always a reasonable explanation. That’s helpful, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like shit some times. I also don’t understand why speaking of negative things objectively necessarily makes one feel bad. Seems you’re a weak person if that’s the case. It doesn’t bother me. All’s fair game. I mean disturbing stuff gets to me but that’s about it. I’d have to double check.
That’s about all I wanted to say. Third night in a row not doing well. Mom works tonight and I hope to get to sleep on time (not at 3 AM… but closer to 11?). Is the bed comfortable tonight? How anxious am I? How distracted am I? is the real question. Because if I”m too distracted to be introspective, I can’t sense my surroundings or anything important and life’s just not the same.