I want to feel independent and clear-minded all the time, like I did last night. The doctors are after me, I don’t know what they want from me but they want something from me. They think I treated them poorly and I owe them. I don’t know, they’re insane.
That’s how I feel, at least.
Addiction medicine folks scheduled a things for me soon.
Curved monitor doing all the work. She’s a beuat.
Mom was asking for some favor from me. I forgot what it was. Oh yeah she just wanted to take a shower in the shared bathroom. I already said it was okay. So that’s taken care of.
I feel like the doctors are angry at me and I’m scared of them because they can call the police on me. And the police can break down my door and take me away. I’m so scared.
I guess just don’t open the door? I don’t know.
This is all very messy. Psychosis. You don’t know what’s real anymore or not.
I’m like perusing of the data from work for now. I took a nap. But now I’m perusing of the data casually. Not even scripting. I mean I looked at some very basic filter scripts, if this then name this column this. Not even worthy of the title Script. But it is what it is.
I want to… I don’t like my discipline. I want to do some real math, real engineering. Even though, it’s probably really narrow, what you work on. I don’t know. I wouldn’t know. But I want to do something quantitative. Not this tedious nothing. Here’s some data–Have fun! God. No instructions whatsoever. I guess the right type would do well in my shoes. Maybe I’m just not creative enough. All this self-doubt. The mind tricks never end.
What am I even saying.
I don’t know.
The literary magazine comes out Friday. CJ hasn’t gotten back to me. I lost the logo so I don’t know if we can have it. Maybe we’ll find it in the emails and starting next issue. I don’t think we need one but he does. But he seems a bit anal and like, it HAS to be done THIS way. Not sure why. As long as it looks and sounds good, I don’t think there are any problems. As long as it reads well. The title is our brand. We’re not a branding agency for chrissake.
Back to the data I guess…