Nick asked me last night what I meant that my psychosis was more predictable. I didn’t clarify that it was every night. So I should. But he normally sleeps in so I have to wait to text him now. I fell asleep before his text came through. It didn’t wake me up.

There are always more details to add, aren’t there.

Dad killed a goldfish downstairs in one of his aquariums but using hard water. Cruel, inhumane owner. I feel so bad for the fish. It makes my heart heavy with woe. It was such a happy fish. So happy to be alive. It brought my mother joy, brief and small but still. And he decides like an idiot not to treat the water. Why? He’s so stupid.

I need to invest some money I distributed in my IRA to stocks and bonds. I don’t know how I’m gonna break it up yet. I hadn’t planned this far ahead. Probably half S&P 500 half other similar stuff.

My senior at work today has to move some materials for shipment, which technically i don’t know how to do and could’ve showed up to be taught, but it’s such a small lesson and so easy is the commute even worth it? He didn’t force me to come. Presumably I’m still working on JMP stuff today.

Feel like my PCP is angry at me. The way she speaks. But I guess it’s just frank. My psychiatrist recommends not messing with my meds for a while, maybe coming off kratom will help me feel better. In any case we’ll eventually get a better sense of where my psychosis is coming from, natural schizoaffective disorder or drug (kratom) abuse. Good to know, right? =)

Hmm.

I studied some data science on Coursera last night, and did my French lessons. It’s been a good month for these. Although, I am still slow compared to the recommended pacing of the data science course. A lot of material in only one week. I don’t go that fast. I should. I don’t know. I’m just a really lazy person, which makes me sad. Genuinely, it does.

Had 1/2 tab of suboxone this morning so far. Might have another just to kill the morning cravings for start. I don’t know.

Things feel like they’re going well, but the state of things this morning does not look too good. I don’t feel good about it. I am unsure and puzzled. Haven’t used the word “puzzled” in a while…

Is everything okay? I wish there were someone to tell me. I don’t usually draw my sense of well being from the world at large, but from my own business. It is in this sense that I ask if everything is okay. With me. With my life. And my family and my business. And THEN with the world at large. But not in a panicked way. The media hypersensationalizes things. Or the social media does, that’s for sure. No need to panic. Watch some Euronews from time to time. That stuff’s fun.

Or read Proust.

Either or.

Still loving this monitor.

My conversation skills have improved so much. There’s never a lack of topics to discuss.

But what good does it do, you know? I don’t know…

I’ll leave it at that in hopes that I can find something more productive to do on my work laptop or talking with mom.

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