I feel like shit. I feel like lazy. I don’t deserve to be paid. I mean I am looking through some stuff. But honestly, I am not efficient at all.

Dad’s downstairs slamming the garage door over and over again heaven knows why. He’s a loud obnoxious person.

I’m supposed to be self-educating in JMP for work and I finally found some good resources but they are mostly videos and I hate videos, I just don’t feel like learning today for some reason. It just doesn’t seem practical or applied. I’m never going to advance in my career like this and basically yeah I’m just doomed to a shit (or no!) job, living in another cheapola state with mom for the rest of my life not doing anything and… well, hopefully my brain disease was a product of the kratom abuse and I don’t have a nice bout of psychosis every evening. Why do I feel so bad right now, in the morning, though?

Ugh. This sucks. I don’t know what to do. All I want is to drink kratom or coffee or booze.

Email from my senior. Hold up.

Ah. It was about a thing.

Well mom is of the mindset that life IS slavery and she has come to accept it. She doesn’t think I should fight for dignity or decency or a good life in any way shape or form at all and therefore she’s a royal bitch.

I don’t know what to do. I kinda wanted to have a little chit chat with her. But she’s made her philosophy of work and life known. Pathetic wretch.

I’m panicking because I don’t feel like working today, is the problem. If I were in someone else’s shoes, I would be fired ASAP. Right? Most people don’t have so much flexibility, right? I don’t know why I do. Maybe it ISN’T fair, and I’m just spoiled and don’t know it. If I’m spoiled, I definitely am not aware of it. That’s not normal. That’s not the case. Don’t argue at me that it is.

Life is hard. I don’t know what to do.

Fuck. It’s only Wednesday.

How much JMP training should I get in today?

It’s just like, with no project goal endgoal that is, it seems pointless to just blindly learn features of the language. I don’t get it. Obviously it isn’t, but that’s how I feel. And I don’t know how to trick my brain into feeling otherwise.

I really do need the money though.

Dad leaves the door open downstairs after a lifetime of abusively yelling at anyone else who did the same, and now there are flies all over the house. There’s one in my room and it is ANNOYING. He’s a fucking ass. Fuck that guy so hard.

How hard ARE people supposed to work? It’s not like I don’t want other poeple to not work hard either (I hope I got the negation and tense in that one correct). I want everyone to have a good life. That can be accomplished without the economy falling apart, right?

I don’t even know anymore. WHy is housing so expensive. Why this why that. I could equally easily complain about the system, but instead I complain about my personal affairs. It feels more responsible that way. lol. Always the decisions of what to say. Every word is a choice. Am I making the right one?

I haven’t a clue.

Well anyway. Another shitty day. I wonder if getting off kratom is the reason, and I’ll naturally feel better. I don’t know. This is all horseshit. No one there to help. I mean the psychiatrist, family, other doctors, friend, are helping. Society at large helps, in a way. it’s the enemy, but it helps, too.

Oh dang there’s a seminar to break up my existential crisis. Hooray. Time to veg out to some science.

Sweeeeet.

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