Unpleasant thoughts, as usual (and never enough suffering)…

I need to talk to my mother real quick but she’s asleep and I don’t want to wake her up. She goes to work tonight. I can’t imagine she’s had a worse life than mine.

I need to talk to someone but I can’t be bothered to write it out because that’s a hassle. If only things were easier.

My brain is still this overpowering force that mimics others and tells me what to do.

I don’t know.

I wish i had more to say.

I wish I was more entertaining.

I haven’t done anything wrong recently, but everyone knows that.

Last night about the authoritarian nightmare delusions was pretty rough but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I don’t know why dicksizing about horror stories how bad it can get makes me so scared. Or is it always my imagination? Am I imagining it?

Anyway half an hour until work from home programming and I’ll be busy the whole day with minor breaks in between.

I feel so guilty all the time.

I never know what to do.

Life is not pleasant anymore.

I’m scared of saying things, which I interpret as a threat to my freedom. Problem is, I interpret the threat as external. Which I guess was one of the reason’s I was diagnosed. So there’s just like guaranteed peace on Earth, right? And there’s nothing to worry about? I’m totally wrong on every count, yeah?

This is all ridiculous. I have no friends except nick, and he’s always busy. He can’t even spare a response except once in a while. I’m a very needy person but I’d think that wouldn’t really be a problem. I’d think some sort of occupation or hobby would solve the problem.

Father is torturing fish in the backyard.

Tired of explaining myself all the time.

Moms’ asleep in her room but I already said that.

I’m scared of how worried my family is about me and baby brother all the time. It’s a cycle that’s for sure.

Well anyway. I don’t want to let go of a good thing once I’ve found it but it’s so small. But really, you don’t understand how poor I am. Poor of mind. Poor of soul.

I’m so weak.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.

I guess dad just wants to abuse me psychically again.

People just pick fights with me all the time.

Some people just really deserve to be gunned down. I won’t name names.

Fuck you and everyone you know.

Go jump off a bridge.


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