I feel terrible. This stream of consciousness was one of the most agonizing of my life. I had my caffeine (espresso) night cap just now. Mother was asleep or trying to be asleep so she didn’t yell at me. Doctors say not to do this. The night cap. Regardless of what it is. Especially not […]
I don’t know what to do. I’m making more coffee. It’s the only thing I want. Most unfortunate that science and addictions are real. I can handle style personality attitude positivity friendship family motherhood sleep deprivation work science… But. I don’t know. Something’s not right about this.
Everyone’s getting offended. Everywhere I look. Humans are indecent whores. This species is low. I was asked why I am so low. Everyone’s my enemy! I’m outnumbered! It’s war and I’m losing! I’m sorry! =(
They say try and try again. Don’t. That’s stupid. Try when you know you have a reasonable shot at success. Prepare. Plan. Do the research. Don’t just blindly try things. That’s my mom’s strategy. Blindly trying things. SHE is the drug addict. Not me. Fuck the confusion. sorry for that, officer, but you’ve got the […]
But now I want to sleep and I don’t’ want to sleep because I want sleep to come naturally. I want sleep to come naturally. Why can’t it? Ugh. What’s wrong with my lifestyle. Someone please tell me. I don’t exercise enough. That is all. But what else? Why the rigidity of mind? This is […]
Let’s go here… I went through some of the most painful experiences (paranoia is very painful) in my life in England on a layaway then a psych ward (inpatient of course). I was not too old, late 20s. I was detained, basically. And they kept me in the ward, and it was so painful I […]
Having voices sucks… -_- I don’t know why my family wants to hurt me so much. They are so close to doing so. They do so. They do hurt me. They don’t just want to, they do. I don’t even have to talk about this. It’s such a non issue. The issue is my family […]
Now I need the opposite of coffee. I don’t know what that is. Brother and mother think suboxone causes psychosis. The scientific literature says it does not. They don’t care. They’re right. So yeah. That’s that.
Mom’s still a criminal problem. She’s in bed next door in her room. She wants me to stay awake secretly, and to yell at me. Happens every time I enter her room to speak. She is abusive. Still. And gets angry easily when accused. I don’t know. I don’t know how much I accuse her. […]
I am starting to realize something that is no one’s fault: That my psyche is rough like a stone, jagged, and uncomfortably dense. Just uncomfortable, not soft. I can’t be comfortable in my bedroom, which I should be. It’s ridiculous. Also probably where the pain comes from, “fault lines” or tremors. Might be muscle tremors? […]