Hi.

I’ll be leaving for work around 8:30 PT (it’s 5:51 here now).

Here. Now.

Wow. Amazing. Life. Why am I going through all this. I don’t even wat to be in love…

it’s rough. You’re right. I’ll survive. I’m a survivor. Don’t we all…

So the point is, I have some time to write here until work. I will be doing our instrument data collection training protocols, mine, for me, my data, yeah yeah selfish for sure for sure, but it’s science, y’know. Heh. I’ll be doing that today. It’s a real thing. I’m really a scientist. I really am. I can’t say what I work on. I just work for a big company. I’m a contractor, and my project involves women’s health. I think I can say that without being tracked down. No one will know either way. It’s not government. It’s not top secret.

I always feel like someone’s going to make fun of me for enjoying my life. I don’t get it.

This morning feels different.

Look at me, I’m jumping around all over the place…

I feel very light. It creeps me the fuck out. Like there’s no heft or weight to my body. Like I don’t exist. Like I’m a ghost. Like I’m going to die. And the doctors already know, and they’re just not telling me.

This isn’t fair. My family is going to cry so hard. It’s not fair. Why is it like this.

I could be wrong. We have to admit that.

But… I don’t know.

What am I saying…

I’m in the mood for some things. But those things are in Switzerland. I like travel. Hotels. Comfort. Mountains. I like the city. Subways. Youth.

I like it.

When do I get to go there. When do I get to go there and back again.

It’s so FAKE. ARGH how have I not known this yet!?

My coworkers must be so pissed at me for being a lazy ass this whole time. Sigh…

Contractors. Go figure.

Setting a bad example is more like it. I forgot who I am. How can I be who I am if I forgot how to.

Mom’s here. Gotta talk to her.

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