I’m starting to rebuild my life, though. I’m starting to rebuild it. The increased depakote. It just went up to full dose last night. Tonight is the 2nd night. I had more coffee because I had to. No one understands how little choice I have in the say of the matter. I just have to. And… I can’t go to bed. I have to go to bed. Sleep. Why don’t I like sleep? Isn’t sleep comfy and cozy? Isn’t being in bed warm and fuzzy? Is something wrong with me?

I don’t get it…

I miss so much about how my life used to be. Childhood was traumatizing. We have to establish that fact.

But what was worse? Maybe the hallucinations from the pot in grad school. Marijuana’s this great thing. No one ever talks about the horror stories. Wow. Powerful evil. Demons.

But the science. I’m wrong about most things. So honestly, we should be thankful.

I get such disturbing visions most of the time.

I hope others can’t see what I can see.

My daydreams are, as my father would put it, sick. More appropriately, sickENING.


So I am just here to pass the time until I fall asleep.

What is life. What is life when it is not good. That is so often. I’m so sad that I have such a hard time for no reason.


What happened to me. I used to be normal.


(I have to end it sooner or later…)

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