It’s paranoia. There’s no evidence either way they want me gone or not. They act nice around me, probably means they like me somewhat, or don’t hate me at least. I mean, why bother lying something like that? I have to look at the logic sooner or later, even someone paranoid like me. Or are diagnoses not rules but guidelines? Hmm…

I hope I get on perm. But really, I want more to do. =(

But also. I have things to do. I could do things on my own. I could read science papers about the project, or study the JMP that my senior sent me understand it.

I guess I’M the liar. I don’t want things to do, I want to stay with a cushy job… it’s so sad. =(

Well, I do wish I were more engaged in the studies and work. My brain. I have to love it. I have to say I love it. If I don’t, that’s a very good way to take the first step to hell.

No one believes in these things. Why am I taking it all so seriously?

I just keep seesawing backwards in multiple directions. None of this makes sense. I try to find the balance but it’s never there.

Some memories hurt more than others.

I have this overpowering delusion that my manager spies on me. Sigh. It’s so painful.

My new chair arrived.

I want to go home…

Where is home? At heart, in spirit. Where is home, really?

I have this overpowering delusion that my mom can tell what I’m typing by listening through the wall next door.

I have this overpowering delusion that I can tell who’s reading this blog post.

I’m delusional.

I’m schizoaffective.

=(

I have this overpowering delusion that my doctors control my life.

I am having some euphoria lately, last few minutes. Nnnughhh. For no reason. Well. It is what it is.

I wish life… yesterday was horrifying, again, as usual. Nerve spikes, lots of stuff doctors don’t have the time to deal with.

I am of the opinion that I should get more time with my doctors. And if I should, logically, everyone should. So.

I’m going to be fired. Let’s just admit it.

Fuck. I give up.

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