I think my hallucinations are subtle. And that’s why they’re so hard for me, a rational man, to understand or catch or what have you.
I miss normaler days. I miss exercising working out with the tennis team or just my partner or whatever an hour or two a few times a week.
Maybe get a job.
I want a life with fitness in it. But I want a life that… assuming the fitness would fix my brain? Would it?
I haven’t studied how to get good mental health. I have a therapist lol he hasn’t taught me about good mental health. That is just atrocious. You have to admit that that’s atrocious. I’ve had a therapist months to a year, at a reputable health insurance provider in Cali Cali Cali and I don’t know what I’m shooting for to be sane and happy. That sounds police state. Just happy then. Well… Just well.
Hard work seems to be required.
The boundaries are so subtle. I feel like people are wasting their time on me. If anything it’s getting more realistic.
The psychiatrist asked if I had any side effects. Then he upped my dose. Then we were done. It took a while to get through my resistance, hoping to get him to see my side of things, but I guess they’re medically trained not to.
Ugh. What can I say. I don’t know how Western healthcare, American healthcare, works, if it works, how it’s supposed to work. The vaccines are awesome. But the therapy? Are there any success stories? I wish to hear them. But it’s so exhausting, reading. It’s always so cheesy.
Why do people even waste their breath on me. THAT’S a delusion. I have to see that. No one’s after me. And I ought to realize we’re all on our own, with friendly human friends, in this society we live in.
It’s not so bad. But boy am I down.
I need to finish Spool. This book is dragging on, because I’m not working on it. Reading, not writing. A Spool of Blue Thread. No incentives. Hate reading. Have to FORCE MYSELF. The rewards are a clear mind. But I don’t mind suffering. People call me nothing but stupid for that. It’s not brave, to put up a fight against the demons? It’s not heroic, to hold out for what you believe in? Freedom against imposition? Good health is all about doing things you don’t want to do. Fundamental tenet of modern health.
The world is so fucking backwards. I hope some of you see that. Oh wait I don’t have any followers lol! Gracious.
I’ll leave you alone for now…
I look forward to talking to mom for fifteen minutes as she gets ready for work after she wakes up tonight around 10. That’s an hour and a half from now. Until then I have to figure out what there is in life. My therapist just sucks. I blame him for everything. I blame my healthcare insurance company for everything. No one’s getting sued. It’s worse than that. They’re getting GUILT TRIPPED.
I want my freedom back. The neo nazi republicans. I guess there are no weasels in the comcast or government or anywhere spying mass surveillance programs. That’s conspiracy. Eh.
I don’t know what to do. I have so much to say. But alas! it’s always so little!