I had a nightmare about Lizzy. Lizzy, IRL, was in grad school with me. Where I graduated but really, flunked out. I was in the PhD program but graduated with a master’s. I won’t say which school.
She was a cool girl. I looked up to her but more and more people I used to look up to I am seeing as nasty and stupid from my history. Unforgiveable human errors that let me astray, as a peer.
In the dream I tesselated a new tesselation map over one of her existing astrogeography files, and I thought that was innocuous. It was she was just too stubborn and stupid to say so. But, she tried to twist it and make me look like the stupid one. It finally came out, after both of us twisting our words to be politely passive aggressive–I nicer than her, ultimately, more honest and genuine, of course, because that’s me, the angel better than everyone (really)–she calls me stupid. Someone in the background says ouch over and over again and she tries to turn THAT into sexual innuendo. She tries to twist every little innocent statement into her version of a bad thing, she tries to make it so. I did a good thing, I progressed science, I did some data analysis. She had a problem with that for NO REASON. Had I collected OVER her files, she MIGHT have had reason to get angry. MIGHT have. You all fools who think that’s an offense are shitty humans just like her. That’s the degree of morality expected for basic decency. Get used to it! Anger I get it. Whatever. But I didn’t even do that. And she goes off her rocker anyway. She wasn’t an idiot scientist–she was an idiot scientist with early stage dementia. And now she’s here to haunt me in spirit, to prove that her SPIRIT has more human rights than me, a REAL human writing down REAL dreams, about a REAL career. She’s a whore. Fuck her. Throw her away.
I’m so done with this. Science is an imbecile career. It attracts the lowest of the lows.
Sorry. But not why you think. Sorry for you. Not sorry for me. I’m totally clean. You probably aren’t.
And it’s always been that way.