I feel like the Depakote is working. That’s amazing, but it’s also kind of funny because it is bringing with it some side effects: somnolence throughout the day, flatness of affect (lack of “excitement/risk”), and this dullness. I don’t crave like five coffees a day, which in a sense is boring. I didn’t realize it before but I was actually a really exciting person (too exciting, true, but still, really exciting).
Now that that’s calming down, I think my lifestyle is going to shift.
I’ll have to start doing more things on the weekend with family.
I’ll have to think strategically more about how to actually get IRL friends. The poetry group I was pretty scarred by during my one episode and I think it’s real that they’re liars who hate me, but… I might give it one more shot.
Video games. Media. Books. I told my therapist it’s a goal to get back into that stuff so it… must be?
Life is… I feel like I’m dying and getting older. And I’m not going where I want to be. Only, if I keep employed, I guess I am? I just kind of want this secluded house, but also to know more people. I don’t know how to do that. But if I can learn to read maybe I won’t have to–make friends with fictional characters instead.
Well anyway. It’s horrifying, at the same time, how mild-mannered it all is. To me, why wouldn’t it be.
I think some “I should”s will take care of themselves on their own. That’s nice.
I don’t know about love. I feel like the only way to get it is to stick my head out farther than I’m willing to. That might be crackpot, though.