The overwhelming pointlessness of life is crushing me. My paranoia and social phobia are immense. I see anyone online, like on social media, immediately I KNOW they hate me and come up with logical reasons why that is the case. They know about me so much. So much.

No one wants to be friends with me.

I don’t know what to do.

I should be writing more.

I can’t tell if I’m losing or winning.

My liver enzymes are high, my liver is a little damaged / swollen from od on the meds prescribed. Too high a dose from the doctor. We’re taking me off this one, depakote. Quickly, in four fucking days. Dayumn. Fast. Ready for withdrawal? Cuz I’m not.

I’m so fucked for the next foreseeable future. And I have no support group except my mother and I distance myself from her and discount her and it’s just me who is the bad person. And father doesn’t know anything about my situation and wouldn’t understand if we told him. He’s obdurate. Brothers don’t want to talk to me about it. They will provide one or two trite cliche sentences of consolation, thoughts and prayers in other words, but nothing concrete. I don’t know what I’m expecting though.

Life is not good. I mean it is, cling to it with every last drop of your might. But mine, at the moment, is tough.

And I don’t know how long this is going to last.

They always say it’s temporary. Is that true?

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