I just can’t work on this coding anymore. I have all weekend to work on it. I just have to go out for a few hours this weekend for activities but that’s about it. So otherwise I could relaxedly just work on it.

But I’m so stressed (I hate that word!) about working on it now. I don’t want to I don’t want to I don’t want to.

I want my brain back. I want to be able to read again. I don’t want… whatever. I don’t know. I want to be smart again.

Books. Entertainment. Movies. Why can I not enjoy anything? Mom says it’s the dopamine killing (less I mean) from the risperdal. So yeah that’s probably it. Fuck. And I’m going on latuda instead of depakote now so it’ll be, but getting of the risperidone too, and so still another antidopaminergic. Shit. Never any hedonistic pleasure for me. No pure glee anymore in my life ever. Just fucked. Fucked fucked and fucked again.


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