Trying to Make It Right

I don’t see the problem with talking.

There’s a lot of nasty dumbasses on the internet. Even here, on WordPress. I hope you’re not paranoid and thinking I’m talking about you. I really don’t mean to cause any undue consternation. I apologize if I do. Well anyway, it was just talk.

I unfollowed a few folks who were like, staunch Republican extremists. Spewing anger over like, I guess jealous of Biden’s success in fighting the coronavirus. Seems to be all there is to it more or less, though. It’s hard to communicate with someone who’s angry, though. And if they’re chronically angry, they are basically immune to learning! Amazing! =D lol

Well. It just goes to show ya that I ought to be less angry too. That way I’ll have a more fulfilling life learning and expanding my mind. Aren’t those worthwhile goals, you know? Aren’t they. It’s miraculous, the reward of a healthy brain.

I sometimes wonder if my schizoaffective disorder (diagnosed, as it were, though I often don’t believe it) were merely triggered by the pot I smoked in grad school and nothing more. But even so, it is what it is, right? But doesn’t that… sort of… qualify it? Somehow? Like, not as real ” ” endquote. You know what I mean?

The TVs and computer screens have been spying on me lately. I get a reality check speaking with mother. Now I’m here. I guess, what’s it called, surrealism in place of a solid hold of reality… no, there’s no excuse. One must be firmly grounded. Anything else is dangerous. Safety first. I can’t believe we’re talking about this, even, but if you all want to go off an join gangs or something, be warned–we on the light side will put a stop to it. One way or another. Peacefully.

That’s just how society rolls. It improves.

Sorry to burst your violent daydream bubble.

Some people are so ridiculous.

I have a lot of books I need to read.

As far as I know I have now purchased the entirety of Laura D. Foley’s written works. I’m working on Why I Never Finished My Dissertation and it’s not bad. Kind of simple. Simple poems. Not too striking.

I guess I’m numb. In a sense. The Latuda. What to expect from it? They say side effects are like, oh, nausea, weight gain. But come on. Psychologically, mentally. What’s going to happen to me? Can they not tell? These are drugs. Street drugs are better characterized than pharmaceutical medications, in all honesty, as far as knowing how they work and what they do to you. Science is so… slow. Inept. Unsatisfying. I’m a part of the machine. Periodic spurts of pride, but honestly, it’s not worth it. I don’t want a career in science. It’s just a day job. But shhh don’t tell my manager or senior. I mean I guess they would understand. But they’d put themselves on the double lookout for poor behavior from me. Which there has been a ton of, so far. My grammar, pardon. Mostly in the form of not working or not working enough or not working hard enough. I haven’t been scolded yet, just kept on track with periodic updates. I guess that would’ve been there regardless.

Look at me! Writing so much! This is great. I’m glad to have such a functioning mind.

The nightmares and delusions are horrifying, though. You don’t know what it’s like. It really more or less is like having nightmares while awake, AND having to function on top of that. Having to keep your cool. Having not to scream or freeze or whatever all the time.

The schizo-spectrum diseases are a mess.

I need to work on my startup idea, too. But I guess grad school would be the route there if I wanted to. And that would depend on how well my mental health recovers.

What a strange concept. Mental health. I’m not used to it. I’ve been sick in the brain brain for 8 years more or less now, and I’m still not used to the concept of mental health. Strange.

Well what can I say. Writing is soothing, you just have to do a lot of it. Seems to be the case, anyway. Don’t you think? =)

Thank you for listening. I’ve run out of ideas. Mmmm. Probably will be back later. Seeing into people’s soul or into their mind, though, and seeing the horror is… horrifying. It’s fucking horrifying. I guess that means I’m not alone. So, great. I guess. Teamwork. But… just more problem. Bigger problem. Bleh. -_-

Then again, seeing into someone’s soul is a form of delusions, after all. There’s no such thing. Remind myself that periodically. All this mystical spiritual bullshit. Gotta stay real. Pragmatic and real.

Mmm. Good. Good start.

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